The Church Pew

The church pew.

The place of  Biblical meditation, of joyous praise, of quiet reflection... unless of course you have a toddler... or two.  Then the pew becomes the magnifying glass, revealing all our parental blind spots, our short- comings, in a most unpleasant and public way.  Somehow the pew itself seems to suck every last drop of confidence out of our bodies leaving us helpless and at the mercy of our naughty children.  I mean, do you really want the WHOLE church watching you discipline your little stinker who has decided that the moment the congregation is silent for personal confession would be the perfect time to yell  "NO MOMMY!"... not that that's ever happened to me or anything...

Seriously though, it can be a very disturbing place for young mothers.  I have spoken to many moms who, through tears, confess that they often wish they could just stay home. And many have decided to do just that, because of the embarrassment they have felt after a particularly challenging Sunday.  Truly, my heart goes out to you.  Other parents opt for the nursery/children's church answer.  I hold a strong opinion that children should be in worship with their parents.. but that might be a rant for another day.

Let me say some encouraging things if you find yourself dreading the church pew.  First, you're not alone.  We've all made the long walk of shame out of the sanctuary.  Know that 90% of the congregation is sympathizing with you not judging you.  And the remaining 10% that might be annoyed or judgmental aren't about to offer you any assistance anyway, so just shut them out of your head.

Now, how to get those sweet little darlings to do what they ought.

Again I say this, the church pew is a magnifier.  It amplifies our less than perfectness... So use that.  Don't shy away from the revealing truth.  Surprise! You aren't perfect.  In fact... I bet you even SIN!  Repent. Ask for your faith to be strengthened and let's get to work.  Be courageous, parenting isn't for cowards.

How your children behave in the pew often reveals the very problems we parents should be working on.  So, identify the root of the issue.  What hasn't been taught?  Don't be fooled into thinking that your children should just know how to behave in church... or anywhere for that matter.  The goal is to work on certain skills BEFORE you sit in the pew, so that the instruction has already taken place and the correction has something to "hang on" and "stick to".  Make your expectations clear to your children even before you reach the pew.

Some ugly things the pew reveals:


Disobedience:
Do your children obey you even when their desire is for something other than your wishes?  It's no great accomplishment to have children obey your command when it goes along with their desires.  But what happens when you say "sit down" when what they really want is to stand on the pew... or even jump?  If your child isn't obedient, I guarantee you, it will show up in the pew.  Teach your children to do what you say, when you say, how you say.  This is obedience.  Teach them to respond to short commands or corrections.  "Momma says no." It should be clear what the consequences are should the child ignore your correction. The type of reaction you get after correction will tell you if more work is needed.  I often tell my teens, that I can see how they are maturing by how they respond when given a "No" answer.  Pouting, whining, tantrums, these are all sure signs that mature obedience is not happening.  Know the difference between defiance and childishness.  Sometimes it takes a tuned in parent to really see when a behavior is defiant.  My niece is a doll, but she has a defiant streak in her that my sister is quick to recognize.  Sometimes I don't even know what's happened, until I see my sister swoop her up and remove her from the room for an attitude adjustment.  She knows her daughter.  She sees the signs of disobedience at its very root.  She acts swiftly and confidently to eradicate the behavior.  Then there are those moments when a child is curious, trying to figure out how something works.  There are times of forgetfulness, distraction, and confusion.  These are not signs of disobedience.  This is childishness.  It needs direction, not so much correction. Learn to spot the difference in your child.


Ignorance:
Does your child know how to be bored?  Seriously.  This needs to be taught.  To be practiced.  Do you tend to hand them a game boy or ipod to play with when you grocery shop, or visit the doctor's office?  Try something else next time.  Teach them how to observe their surroundings.  Talk to them before you get to church about all the different things they will see.  If they are older, spend time at the dinner table talking about what happens in church. "Why does pastor wear those special clothes in church?"  "Do you remember how many stained glass windows there are in the sanctuary?  You could count them on Sunday for me."  Make them aware of what is around them.  Church is not boring.  People are boring.  Don't allow your children to be boring people.  Teach them to notice things.  As they mature, keep revealing to them the reasons we do what we do in church.  "The Lord's Prayer is in the Bible.  Jesus taught us to pray it."  "See how everyone bows when they kneel at the altar?  That is because they are showing respect to God. It is good to show respect."  The "kicker" with this is, that in order for you to accurately teach your children, you yourself must be aware of what is happening in church.  If you're not educated about your faith, this should cause you to run to the nearest Sunday school class or week day Bible study.  Do not expect to raise faithful children when you don't know the faith yourself.

Dangers:
Do your children come when you call them?  So you have more than one child in the pew, and little Johnny decides to take advantage of the fact that you are outnumbered (especially those of us who have spouses in ministry or attend church without a spouse) and takes a stroll up the center aisle while you're frantically whispering in a raspy, not-so-whispery voice, "Johnny, GET. BACK. HERE."  ... Yeah.  Teach your child to come when you call them.  Seems silly, I know, but every three year old should come immediately when called.  This is for their own safety.  Practice this at home. When they come to you, praise them liberally and tell them that obedience keeps them safe.  A disobedient child is an unsafe child. Have you ever seen those dog owners whose canines just walk willingly along at their side?  Now, have you ever seen those dog owners who are pulled, jerked, and yanked down the street by an animal who decides he's in charge? So what happens to those two dogs when the leashes break?  The first dog hears and obeys the voice of his owner commanding him to sit.  The second dog charges across the street, ignoring his owners cries for obedience, darts into oncoming traffic and gets hit by a car.  I hope you get my point.  Though it might not be a car... there many more equally dangerous things in this life that can steal our children from us.  The greatest ones are the voices of others.  When we neglect to teach our young children to come to the sound of our voice, we have little hope of them coming to us as teenagers or young adults.  Beyond this, teach your children to look for your guidance.  "Momma knows" is a phrase I use a lot.  If you train your children that you are their safety, you are their shelter, you are their wisdom... they will begin to come to you of their own free will, seeking your direction.  It is a beautiful thing.  This training prepares them to trust in their Heavenly Father and know His voice.  For truly, what we have done as parents is speak His Words from our own mouths.

Lack of Empathy:
Do you have varied aged children?  Teach the olders to care for the youngers.  This should be a blessing to you.  Siblings are connected in a way that no other people are.  Teach your children to cherish, care for, and serve their siblings.  Praise liberally for random acts of kindness.  Be watchful for helpfulness and use specific language.  "Cindy, you are momma's helper.  You were kind to Bobby when you picked up his blanket for him. He is so blessed to have you for a big sister."   Do this outside of the pew, and I guarantee you will have willing assistants when the time comes.  An extra pair of hands in the pew is blessing to a momma.  Empathy is something that is lacking with today's children.  Being aware of another's need and then doing something to help fill that need is a character trait we want to cultivate in our children.  Make your older children aware of the needs of others.  They might not recognize them on their own yet, so help them think through empathy. Sometimes suggesting an action is better than giving a direct command.  "Oh, I forgot the diaper bag in the other room.  Hmmm, how can I get it over here where I'll need it."... "Oh, Momma, I'll go get it for you!"  "Oh thank you, that would be so helpful.  What a helpful boy you are."  An empathetic child produces mature children.  Just because our children inevitably get older, doesn't necessarily mean they become mature.  It is our responsibility to mature them.


Selfcenteredness:
Can your children focus on something that isn't about them?  Or do they act out when they aren't the center of attention? Sit closer.  Yes, that's what I said.  Sit closer.  "But then everyone will SEE us."  Yes.  But your children won't see everyone.  This is the point.  The farther back families sit, the more distracted the children will be.  I've seen it over and over and over again.  If you want your children to focus, put them up where the action is.  Give them something to watch, to participate in.  Plus the fewer number of people they can see in front of them, the fewer distractions for them.  I will tell you that the first Sundays will be difficult, but stick with it and you will be amazed by how well they will do.  When they see the action in front of them, it will show them that they aren't the reason all these people came to church.  While the world says we need to hype them up on self esteem, I am saying we need to humble them with the realization of their own insignificance.  There is a reason we are in church, and the reason isn't me.  The reason, the focus, is Christ and His Word.  Teach them about God's design and His order to creation. Teach your children their proper place in the home. If everything in the home is made to accommodate your child, this will become an expectation of theirs in other places.  If the only restaurants you take your children to, cater to their noisiness, their tastes, and their comforts, you are reinforcing a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness.  Of course our children hold a high priority in our lives. We would do nothing short of sacrifice ourselves for them. We want them to know they are loved.  But this love, this commitment to them, should not be confused with worship.  We don't worship our children.  That distorts God's good order.  That puts our children in an inappropriate place.  The church pew reveals this sin when our children expect to be the one worshiped,  focused on, and attended to instead of seeing that we come to the pew to worship God.

Disrespect:
How do you allow your children to treat the church and specifically the things in the pew?  Yes, there are sometimes envelopes and pencils available to members... are you allowing your children to use them for their own purposes?  Wasting them? What about the hymnals?  Are you teaching your child how to use one?  How to turn the pages appropriately?  Borrow one from church and teach them at home the different parts of the hymnal and how to be gentle with the pages.  When your children make a mess in the pew with their goldfish crackers, do you let them see you clean up after them or do you just leave that for someone else?  Teach them about appropriateness.  Why we don't run in church.  Why we don't jump on the pews.  Why we walk slowly around the elderly and disabled.  Why we don't talk loudly during the service.  Show them the proper way to respect the altar.  Teach them that some parts of the church are off limits.   If you're teaching these things at home, they will be easier to reinforce in church.  There should be places in your home that are off limits.  If for no other reason than to teach respect of boundaries.  Have items in your house that your children know are special; a knick-knack maybe.  Talk to them about its significance and why it is important.  I don't mean to foster idolatry here.  Obviously, respect and worship are related, but we can teach our children that there are important things in our home that need special attention or care without crossing the line into idolatry.  That way when we get to church and see the beautiful statue of Jesus, our children aren't tempted to give him a "high five" on the way out of church.  They will be familiar with respect because they were taught it at home.

Lack of planning:
Set your children up for success.  Don't dash into church 5 minutes late and try to jockey up to the second pew.  You'll be setting yourself up for failure.  Plan to succeed.  Get to church early enough to settle all your wee ones in properly.  I know this is easier said than done.  But if you can get there at 10... you can get there at 9:30, you just have to make it a priority.  Start the night before.  Think through the morning and be prepared.  If you have more than a few children, talk to someone about being your pew buddy.  Your mother's helper.  Teenage girls are great for this so long as you find one that will do what you ask.  Older ladies are great too, but they tend to have their own opinions about how to raise children, and if you aren't on the same page, it might be more trouble than help.  Choose wisely.  With the exception of potty training children, most kids should be expected to last through the entire service without a potty break.  Ban drinks before service, and make sure children have used the facilities before sitting down. If you, a mother who has had her bladder sat on for nine months, can make it through a service without a potty break, then your children can too.  Make pre-service potty time a part of your planning. (alliteration unintentional) ;)  Make note of other areas that you might do better at planning ahead.  Do you find yourself late for many functions? Unprepared for the situation?  Spend time thinking through your day before you start.  I remember when my kids were little and I physically walked myself through the day's events.  I must have looked like a madwoman, murmuring to myself and pretending to do tasks.  I was trying to think of all the scenarios I would encounter and what I might need in order to come out alive at the end of the day.  Extra clothes, diapers, lunch sacks if we couldn't get home in time from errands, etc.  You can't always be perfectly prepared.  Sometimes we were late to a function because of my poor time management skills.  So confess.  Say to the person who waited for you, "I'm so sorry that my lack of planning caused you to have to wait.  Please forgive me."  Don't make a bunch of excuses about traffic, or naughty kids... just confess.  Just repent.  Then plan better next time.


Inconsistency:
When we say one thing and do another, we teach our children not to trust our words.  We teach them that we don't really mean what we say.  But this can go even deeper when we aren't faithful in our attendance at church.  If you really want your children to know how to behave in the pew... be there... consistently.  The "Once-in-a-while-when-the-guilt-strikes" way of church attendance isn't the best method for rearing faithful children.  Mean what you say.  If you tell your children that going to church is important, then you MUST follow through and make it a priority.  No one is better at spotting a fake than a child.  They will expose it. You've seen this:  the child who waits until they are in a public place to act up and put their parent on the spot. He knows that his parent behaves differently in public than at home.  Check yourself to see if this is you.  Either your methods at home are something you're ashamed of, or you're afraid to do what you know is necessary in public for fear of judgment.  But the truth is, you'll be judged no matter what.  People have opinions, that's never going to change.  So know what you expect from your child and expect it, consistently.  And when you fail at being consistent...because you will.  Repent and know you are forgiven.  Don't let this be confined to the pew.  Bring church home with you.  Church attendance is great, but bringing God's Word into your home is awesome!  Be the family that prays before meals, prays after meals, discusses sermons at dinner, reads Scripture together, learns the faith together.  The more "church pew" you bring into your home, the more comfortable and familiar the pew at church will be for your children.  In the end, this is the key.


I hope this gives some helpful ideas and serves to encourage moms (and dads) who struggle in the pew.  I say this often in my Mothers Classes:  Put in the hard work now, and you will reap wonderful benefits later.

God be with you,
Sallie

Parenting 101

  If there is one thing I am passionate about, it is parenting.  "Passionate" should not be confused with "perfect", however.

  I work very hard at being a good mom, but make no mistake, it is not my work that produces anything.  One of the greatest things I can do for my children is to have a repentant heart, understanding that my sinful nature makes it impossible for me to BE anything but sinful.  It is because of the act of Christ; His life, death and resurrection, producing faith in me by grace, that enables me to "look like" I am doing something.  I may say, "Thank you," when someone offers a compliment about my children.  I might even beam a little.  But there is no confusion within me...it is all by the grace of God.

It is the Word which resides in me... in my mind.  It transforms the very process by which I think.  God's Word is the only parenting handbook I really need.    Daily reading, ingesting, and memorizing His teachings clarifies my goals for my children.  God's Word develops and works in me from the inside out.  It creates thoughts in my mind which weren't there before.  It affects what I say, how I react, what I teach.  I can't stress enough, to those who might be reading this blog, that God's Word is the key to good parenting.

So here are some Parenting "tips" I'd like to offer:

Read Scripture Daily:
The book of Proverbs is a wonderful place to start when looking for guidance in parenting.  There is so much about wisdom and instruction.  Each day, take a chapter and read through it with the intention of hearing what it says to the practicality of parenting.   Choose a verse to meditate on throughout the day. Conveniently, Proverbs has 31 chapters, one for each day of the month. Use it to become familiar with God.  Soon you will begin to hear his Word in your head as you encounter different situations within your vocation of parenting.

 I have a little frame with fabric behind the glass.  Using a dry erase marker, I write my chosen daily Proverb and put it in the kitchen where I am most likely to look at it throughout my day.


Attend a weekly Bible Study:
Sunday school isn't just for our children.  It is for us as well.  Our church offers two adult Sunday School classes to choose from.  Not only does regular instruction strengthen our knowledge of Scripture, it shows our children that they don't "graduate" from church once they're confirmed.  Attend Sunday school.  If you're one of those parents who commits to teaching on Sunday (like me), then find a mid week class that works with your schedule. Instruction in God's Word is essential to good parenting.


Attend the Divine Service:
So, it has been said, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian."  No, perfect church attendance won't regenerate your sinful soul.  But God's Word does and God's Word is found in church.

 God's Word = Christ.  Baptism = Christ. Communion =Christ.

We receive Christ in the Divine Service, where He is preached and the sacraments are administered.  Christ is our salvation. Regularly attending the Divine Service and regularly receiving Christ, strengthens our faith and forgives our sins.  These are the most important tools we could ever ask for when parenting our children.




I realize that while the Scripture doesn't specifically tell you how to toilet train your 3 year old or what curfew to set for your teenager, it does give wisdom about God's creation and His design for it.  The problems of parenting often lie in our own state of unpreparedness.  Our unpreparedness often stems from the lack of time spent in God's Word.  Now, I could give you a list of proper parenting techniques... the "How to's of Timeouts" or the "Dangers of Dating" if you will, but that would be like working from the outside, in. Better than this approach, is to instead regularly ingest God's Word and have it reform our thinking and our approach from the inside, out.

In the fall, I plan to resume teaching the Mothers Class; third Tuesday of each month, 7:30 at the parsonage. 

Love and Manners Part 2

(A continuation of the Mothers Class on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

Click HERE for previous lesson

...

Love is not easily angered:Contrary to what many might think... anger is not necessarily sin. Ephesians 4:26,27 "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil. " Anger isn't the sin, but it is an open door that many of us are guilty of passing through to sin. Being angry over an injustice is not the same as being snippy impatient, or irritated. This chronic-type of anger is a strong symptom that our mind is out of alignment and we are in need of an adjustment. Look for the root of the problem. Is it improper planning on our part? What is the trigger? Do we enjoy being angry? Do we wear it like a battle scar or see it as our rightful attitude for all our hurt and pain we've had to endure? Or perhaps it is just what we have practiced for so long, we don't know anything different.

Maybe it was how we were raised and we think angry parents are normal parents.

Whatever the cause, the prescription is more time in God's word. His Word provides the mental adjustment we need. Someone once said to me, "A cup of sweet water, no matter how hard it is bumped, won't spill bitter water." When we have filled our mind with God's good word, it is what comes out in these trying moments.

We miss out on so much when we let resentment and bitterness steal our joy. Love is strong... it doesn't allow anger to rule our emotions or dictate our responses to trying situations. "Bite your tongue" has been around for a while, but seriously, it is good advice for someone who is just beginning to learn how to give up their sinful anger. Restrict the amount that you allow yourself to say. Don't allow yourself to say anything when you can feel your anger begin to bubble-up. Rarely do we regret being silent, but very often we feel great remorse over the things which we have said in a moment of anger.

When dealing with our kids, it's good to teach them that being angry isn't the sin. It is what we choose to do when we're angry that may cause us to sin. If we are so angry that we seek to harm someone, then we are sinning. Remaining calm yourself goes a long way with teaching your child how to deal with anger. Speak truth to them. "I saw what Shane did to your toy, and I see that it made you mad, didn't it?" Allowing your child to feel the anger without encouraging him to sin helps them get used to a pattern and allows them to learn how to deal with the anger. If they are in the wrong, we should correct using discernment. If the situation is still very emotional, you might choose to have your child sit away, alone for a few minutes to calm down. We want our kids to be receptive to what we have to say to them. Talking to them while they are blinded by an emotion like anger would be useless.  


If we simply push morality by emphasizing our child's right to justice, we miss a great opportunity to lead our kids to show compassion and grace where someone might not deserve it. Our example lies with how Christ deals with us. "...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  (Romans 5:8 ESV) We don't wait until someone makes us happy to forgive... when you can, take the opportunity of an offense to teach your child about grace.  (Keep in mind that your first priority is to protect your child and keep them safe.  Sometimes an offense just needs to be handled by the adults.  Be discerning.)

Prov. 14:29      Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

Prov. 15:1        A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Prov. 15:18      A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention

Prov. 16:32     Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

Prov. 19:11    Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Love keeps no record of wrongs:

From Dr. Lockwood's commentary on 1 Corinthians: "Love carries 'no chip on its shoulder.' It does not nurse a grudge. It forgives, even as Christ has forgiven (Eph. 4:32)." It is not God's way to remember our sins. He forgets, on purpose, and does not hold that, which he has every right to, against us.

In our role as parents, we must remember not to take our children's offenses personally or to keep track of them. Certainly, we want to be familiar with their weaknesses and areas of temptation, but this isn't the same as keeping a record of their wrongs. It isn't always pleasant to be the punching bag. As our kids grow, their capacity to offend grows as well. They can become proficient in "pushing our buttons". 


 When we offer immediate forgiveness to our child we are revealing God's love to them.  Let me say that again:   When we offer IMMEDIATE forgiveness (meaning we don't make our kids "pay" for our forgiveness... we give it freely), we are revealing God's love to them.  It is important not to confuse forgiveness with permissiveness.  A consequence for disobedience is not the same as keeping record of wrongs. 

Sibling relationships offer a wonderful arena for our kids to practice this act of forgiveness. I often quote these verses from the Proverbs for my kids as a reminder. Learning to sidestep an insult or an offense benefits not only the offender, but also the offended. Everyone wins and a relationship is strengthened.

Prov. 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses

Prov. 12:16 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

Prov. 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth:

As children of God, the Holy Spirit makes us to recognize the Gospel as truth, and so we no longer tolerate unrighteousness. God's truth drives unrighteousness out. Not only does love reject evil, it doesn't even want to hear about it or be present around it. We should be nauseated at the sight of wickedness. Instead, we are to put our minds to thinking about things which are constructive and edifying. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  (Philippians 4:8 ESV)

Our children can be godly. We can expect godliness from our children. Praise them when you see correct behavior. Let it be known that you are delighted with their obedience. Rejoice when they speak God's Words of truth. Teach them to memorize His truths. Hiding God's words in our heart is storing up for future temptations. You can't expect to have the truth at a moment's notice if you haven't first stocked up. Spend time with your children; spend time together in God's Word.

Prov. 20:3 It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.

Prov. 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Prov. 24:17 Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles,

Love always protects:

Love puts the needs of others before their own. The ESV translation of the scriptures says, "Love bears all things..." Again we see how patient and long suffering Love is.

Sometimes love shows itself not in what we allow our children to do, but in what we don't allow them to do. As parents, we would put our life on the line for our children, but sometimes we hesitate at the small stuff when it means our kids might not like us very much. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart! Many times we will be loathed for the firm stands that we take. But we must remember who the parent is.


 It is pretty easy to tell a toddler, "NO!" when they are reaching for a hot pan on a hot stove. We SEE the danger, we know exactly what horrible outcome might occur. We parent boldly. But something seems to happen as our children grow and they learn the fine arts of back talk, sulking, and master manipulation. No one wants to be the "bad guy"; But Love protects. Loving your child means placing age appropriate boundaries around them and refusing to let them break through even when they are trying really, REALLY hard.

I remember a conversation I had with my daughter when she was about twelve. The actual situation doesn't matter, the point is that she wanted to tell me that my rules were too strict and that we treated her like a baby by not giving her room to wander as she would like. Instead of arguing with her I said something like this. "Emily, These boundaries are around you to keep you safe. As you grow, we will move some of the boundaries further out, but only when we know it is safe. You can trust me. No matter how much you struggle, I promise that I will never let go." She looked at me kind of dumbfounded and through her tears I recognized a sort of relief behind her eyes. Do not be fooled, children WANT you to protect them. They just don't always realize it.

Side note: In order for us to protect our children, we must be aware of dangers ahead. We should be thinking constantly, watching constantly, and listening constantly. I have found that this is nearly impossible. However, I have been blessed on several occasions with friends who have seen or heard something that I missed. They brought it to my attention and I have been so thankful for those friends. When someone you trust comes to you with information that can help you better protect your children, be careful not to resent it or let your ego become bruised. A friend who is courageous enough to show you your blind spots is a true friend indeed.

Prov. 12:23 A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly.

Prov. 15:22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

Prov. 17:12 Let a man meet a she-bear robbed of her cubs rather than a fool in his folly.
Prov. 22:3 The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

Love always trusts:

Love isn't gullible, but rather trusts in what is true. Not that we always believe other people, but we believe the faith, which has been given to us through Christ, endures all circumstances. We trust God to be God. Not some Disney version of what we want God to be, but the God of the Scriptures. How do we know what that is? I'm glad you asked. :) The answer is, read your Bible, attend Sunday School or at least one Bible Study during the week. If you're not in a Bible Study (especially if you attend St. John) ... start this week!! Learn to read the Bible and to know what you believe and to trust what you believe!

Teach these truths to your children. Read to them the stories from God's Word, so that they won't ever know of a time when they didn't know who Jonah, Noah, or Daniel were. Give them that rich culture that only life in the Scriptures can give. Teach them to trust in God's Word.

Prov. 3:3 Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Prov. 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding

Love always hopes:

This past week a young lady, from our congregation lost her battle with cancer. She was just 22 years old. As Christians, we have the blessed hope of our Lord and Savior to comfort us during our earthy sorrows. This hope is that we will be with our Savior, and that all sin, all sorrow, all heartache will end.

This hope sustains us and encourages us. We know that we will be with Christ for all eternity. Give this hope to your children as well. Remind them each night as they lay their heads on their pillows that they are a child of God. That He loves them and one day they will be with him for all eternity. Let them get excited about being God's child. The line "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." is often changed or omitted from the familiar nighttime prayer for children. What a shame. There is so much comfort in those words. In the Hymn, "I am Jesus Little Lamb." the last verse proclaims a similar hope:

Who so happy as I am,
Even now the Shepherd's lamb?
And when my short life is ended,
By His angel host attended,
He shall fold me to His breast,
There within His arms to rest.

The reality is that we will all pass from this earthly life, so ignoring it to save a child's feelings is missing an opportunity to proclaim the truth of the hope we have in Christ. Live boldly knowing that your hope lies in Christ your Savior. The best is yet to come!

Prov. 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Prov. 8: 35 For whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord.

Love always perseveres:

Love doesn't flee, doesn't leave. Love is committed and it follows through. Unfortunately, we don't see enough of this characteristic of Love. Instead we see... Love sticks around until something better comes along... or Love sometimes tries, but if it gets too difficult, it will leave. Not so with God's love. God's love is triumphant and brave.

Have you ever had a battle of wills with a two year old? So, now you get a good idea of what "persevere" means. Holding fast to what you know to be true. How tempting it is at times to want to throw in the towel, give in...

I had a conversation with my mom the other night. She mentioned how some kids are just "easy". I thought it was quite ironic that she put me in that category. (I think love might be a little forgetful too!) My memory of my childhood is that I was a bit of a problem child, especially during my preteen years. I remember my mother making difficult decisions about my punishments... which usually meant she would be punished as well. I was pretty blatant about my disobedience. Okay, I was truly a smart mouth, but my mom held her ground. She was like a pit bull who refused to let me get away with anything. It's THAT tenacity, that perseverance, that we must have with our children. I don't think I was easy... I just think my mom persevered early in my life and reaped the benefits as I got older.

It was through the tenacity of our savior, Jesus Christ, and His death on the cross that we were brought to Love. His is a love that will not let us go.

Romans 8:38,39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Prov. 16:6 By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.

Love never fails:

Love is strength. It fortifies us and pushes us closer to God. Love is not weak, or puny. It will never collapse. It holds us forever.

Love is faithful and confident. It is dependable and trustworthy. God's love doesn't waver and doesn't shift. All through history from creation to this present age we see God's faithfulness. What He says He will do, He does. Emphasis on the "He does."

I know I beat this over and over again, but it is so important to grasp that the work God does, HE does.. in us and through us. Even for a moment, when we slip into the mindset that we are responsible for doing anything good, we are relying on ourselves. YOU are not strong. YOU are not faithful. YOU are not confident. Your strength, confidence and faithfulness are found ONLY in the Love of God; the Word of God; Christ Jesus.

This is wonderful news for parents. I don't think any of us would claim to know it all, have it all, or be it all... We are all too aware of our shortcomings when it pertains to parenting. Take heart, because Love never fails. Love's promises stand firm and hold you up. You don't need to be puny, or weak. When you fail, return to the one who doesn't. Repent, ask for forgiveness and take what He promises to give you. His Love; His Grace; His forgiveness.

Prov. 14:27 In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.

Prov. 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

Summary:

Christ is our model for all that love is, does, and accomplishes. Yep, that is the summary. Like I tell my 7th and 8th grade Sunday school students... It all points to Jesus, always.

Assignment:

A reminder for us that in Christ we can do all that He asks of us. It is through the victory of the cross that we can Love.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
(1 John 4:7-12 ESV)

Can I just say... John rocks :)

Read daily and insert your own name (or the name of your child as you read it to him/her) into the blanks

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

_________ is patient, __________is kind. _________ does not envy, __________ does not boast,

_________ is not easily angered, __________ keeps no record of wrongs. __________ does not

delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ________always protects, always trusts, always hopes,

always persevere. _________ never fails


Feel free to email me with private questions, comments or clarifications. :)  salliepool@yahoo.com

Mothers Class

Love and Manners (part 1)

Tuesday, February 20, 2012

Introductions:

Many times when we are searching God's Word and asking Him to reveal His truths, we can absentmindedly put the cart before the horse. This is done when we feel that we have a truth that we want scripture to support. So instead of gleaning truth from scripture we have pulled out various Scriptures to fit our truth. Even if our truth is parallel to God's and not in opposition, we still must realize that our methods are lazy, undisciplined and can eventually lead us to false teachings. It also makes us more susceptible to false teachings from other places. It is a common error which many, MANY Christians commit.

I have found that I am someone who often reads Scripture incorrectly. We should confess our selfish desires, our sinful will, and ask for God's forgiveness when we search His Word this way. I don't say this to be harsh, but to put it plainly. Jesus rebuked Peter and called him Satan when he tried to do this (Mark 8:32,33). Peter told Jesus that there was no way he would allow Jesus to give up His life. (Matt 16:22).. Peter had taken God's Words out of context and used them for His own purposes; to glorify himself. This is a big no-no. It is sin and we should see it as sin. But as with all sin, there is forgiveness. Peter didn't get banned from the voters assembly, he didn't get kicked out of the club... and neither do we. We are covered by God's grace and we receive His forgiveness as we repent, continue to grow and continue to learn. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have Mercy.

...On to tonight's lesson. While this passage we are reading tonight is common, familiar, and often quoted, let us put on our mommy hats as we search for God's wisdom. We'll read these scriptures and keep in mind our relationship to our children as well as our children's relationships with others. Because we are striving to develop a habit of reading the Proverbs daily as a way of storing up into our minds God's treasured words, I have chosen particular Proverbs which support these verses in the letter to the church in Corinth and added them to each section.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love is patient:

Love's first and greatest characteristic is to be long suffering; "slow to anger". Love doesn't have an expiration date, it has an unlimited time for enduring. Think about Paul, who is writing this letter. He is truly the recipient of God's patient love. How patient God was with him, even while he was a slayer of Christians. When we are long tempered rather than short tempered, we reflect and imitate God's patience. Long suffering is not natural and it isn't produced simply by exercising self control.  You can't make yourself be long suffering. Patience is a gift from God; a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22).  (Concordia Commentary on 1Corinthians, Dr. Lockwood) Because the Holy Spirit lives in you as a child of God, you have the ability to love, to be patient, to be long suffering. Sometimes all we need is the reminder of this truth. "He is making me patient. I WILL be patient. I AM patient."

You choose how you will behave in any given situation. Truly, love suffers for others; for their benefit. As mothers this manifests itself in how we interact with our children. We absorb their anger, their frustration... we suffer it for them. We take the verbal blow and we don't swing back. Love doesn't react. This goes against every "instinct" in our bodies, doesn't it? How quickly a hot tempered thought or word can come to our minds. It is the disciplined one who knows to wait on the Lord for His Words. If this is a new concept to us, then the wait might be a few minutes...or even a few hours. As the years progress and as we learn to wait on the Lord for His proper response, it eventually comes more quickly. Instead of a sinful gut-reaction to a hurtful word or disobedience, we are ready with loving correction produced by an even vocal tone. We remove the blinding, feverish emotion that is so effortless with the purpose of loving and rearing our children in God's truth.

Prov. 14:17 A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated

Prov. 15:28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Prov. 16:6 By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.

Prov. 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Love is kind:
God's kindness to us is based on His generosity, not on our merit. God's kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Rom 2:4) God's kindness is strong and with intention to bear fruit in us. (Gal 5:22, Col 3:12)

We participate in God's kindness when, like Christ, we extend grace, charity, friendliness, and gentleness to our children without their merit. We initiate kindness. We literally bring ourselves down to their level, just as Christ did for us. Bending at our knees so that they can look us in the eye. Sitting them on our laps as we speak to them. We are to enter their world for they aren't yet able to enter ours. Kindness should not be seen simply as sticky sweetness, but should be the practice of useful, beneficial, friendly acts.

I don't particularly enjoy playing Pretty, Pretty Princess, but when my daughter was 5, this was her favorite game. For those who aren't familiar with this game, it involves moving a game piece endlessly around a board with the goal of landing on certain spots and acquiring various pieces of gaudy jewelry including, but not limited to a tiara. If I thought I looked ridiculous at the end of this game, seeing my husband dripping in plastic accessories was priceless, and as far as Emily knew, we just couldn't get enough of this game. This was kindness.

As Emily grew up and began playing with her younger brother and other younger children, we sought to develop kindness in her, reminding her that she was to play whatever game the youngest could play. "The youngest one gets to choose the game," became a motto in our home.

I believe that a home which is filled with kindness often has the most success when correction is needed. When everyday speech is gentle and the atmosphere is one of peace, the stark contrast of a word of correction stands out without the need of harshness or anger. In a home where the environment is unkind and animosity abides, it will seem necessary to raise the volume of correction in order to be heard, often resulting in yelling or screaming.

Prov. 11:17 A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.

Prov. 15:4 A gentle (healing) tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Prov. 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor

Love does not envy (is not jealous):
While the first two characteristics of Love are positive we now see Paul showing us what love is not. Love is not jealous.

Jealousy robs us of our contentment. Being discontent is a result of having the wrong focus. We take our eyes off of Christ and His great gift of forgiveness and instead we look around us. Possibly at others... what they have that we don't; what they can do that we can't. "That's not fair," often enters our thinking, until we completely ignore our treasure of forgiveness and grace through faith... all which were gifts to us.

Matthew records Jesus telling the story of the workers in the vineyard. (Matt. 20:1-16) Whether the workers had been working all day or for only a few hours, they all received the same pay from the master. An amount, which was fair and had been agreed upon beforehand... but when those who had been working longer saw that those who hadn't worked as long, received the same amount, they became discontented. Suddenly, they felt slighted, not because they were, but because they thought it was unfair that others should receive such grace from the master. But the truth is... it is the master's to give how he chooses.(Matt 20:15) We have been given the grace of our Father, freely. If he chooses to bless another more, less, or differently than he has blessed us, we should rejoice in the blessings of our neighbors, understanding that all are gifts from the Father.

Using this example as our rationale for how we rear our children, we should teach our children to recognize parental grace and not be discontent with their position within the family. How many times have you heard the phrase, "You love my sister more than me?" or "You didn't make him do what you're making me do"... Sibling rivalry often begins with jealousy and discontent. Instilling a grateful and thankful heart into our children is the solution to jealousy. We want to encourage our children to rejoice in the blessings of others. Their siblings are a great place to start. Proverb 22:9 talks about a bountiful eye... when we know there is enough to go around, we feel free to give lavishly of our time, attention and gifts. It is the jealous and envious eye which hoards and lives a stingy life.

Prov. 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

Prov. 22:9 Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.

Prov. 23:17 Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.

Prov 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

Love does not boast: 
Love isn't a braggart or puffed up. As parents, we don't want our children to feel indebted to us. All that we do, we must remember that we do it for the Lord, whether it be laundry, making dinner or cleaning toilets. It's difficult, maybe, to think about bragging about such remedial tasks, but we find a  way. When we make the task about us, our efforts, our sacrifices, we are bragging.

It's been a while since I've seen it, but do you remember a commercial on TV about Rice Krispie treats? The mom is in the kitchen reading a romance novel. As she finishes her book, she spritzes water on her face, puffs flour into her face and dons a tired and worn expression. She brings the plate of Rice Krispie treats to her family in the other room. Then all you hear are exclamations from her husband and children about how she shouldn't have worked so hard... and as the audience we understand that the treats took very little effort to make. I find this commercial comical because it is often how we as mom behave. It isn't, however how we want to remain. We want what God wants for us. God's way teaches us to give without expecting in return and to do it joyfully. We should be hiding the fact that it took effort. We should strive to make it look easy. Let us be content in our vocation and let our children and husband do the bragging on us. :) When we aren't praised for our efforts--and we know there are many times when they go unnoticed--take special comfort in knowing that the Lord has seen you and is pleased.

Prov. 3:7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

Prov. 25:6-7 Do not put yourself forward in the king's presence or stand in the place of the great, for it is better to be told, "Come up here," than to be put lower in the presence of a noble.

Prov 26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

Prov 27:2 Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.

Love is not proud:
So what is pride? Don't we see that as a positive thing? When we tell our children to "take pride in their appearance"... aren't we just telling them to have good healthy hygiene habits? What's wrong with that? Or what about when, as parents, we're busting our buttons in pride because our children were obedient, or achieved something difficult through hard work and dedication? Is that wrong?

Let's look at what Paul is saying here... and to whom he is speaking. The Christians at the church in Corinth were a people puffed up with arrogance, which was causing division in the body of Christ. They had put themselves ahead of Christ and Christ's purposes. Anytime our accomplishments, or our vision of ourselves puts us ahead of Christ, we are being proud. When our sense of importance and self is so puffed up and distorted, we are ugly. Love is not ugly.

Love puts us in our proper order. We should imitate the humility of Christ, who made himself to live among us. He submitted himself to the Father's authority, even to death on the cross. There is nothing more lovely than the humility of Christ. To be humble... to put ourselves in our proper place, is a lovely thing.

As parents we should be aware of the proper order within our home. Regardless of what is spoken out in the world, we know Scripture is very clear about God's order of creation. We talked a little bit about it last month. When we allow our children to get out of order, we are allowing them to be prideful and ugly. It is Scriptural to "know our place". This phrase is not one that many will get warm fuzzy feelings about, I realize this. But it is one that speaks to our pride and quickly reforms our thinking. As Jesus said to Peter,"Get behind me," (Mark 8:33) so we can say to our children, "Know your place." Your place is behind me, a place of submission and a place of protection. It is the proper order and it is lovely.

Prov. 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

Prov. 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

Prov. 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Prov. 18:12 Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor.

Love is not rude: 
Here is where the Manners section of our lesson comes in. We see here that having good manners is an act of love. Especially in our families we should be exercising good manners, considerations and respect. I often tell my own children that manners are first for family and then for friends. This is a reminder to them that if they aren't practicing love and manners with their siblings, they won't be allowed to spend time with friends. It is easy for us to take our families for granted and not practice good manners on them. It isn't that we want to create a stuffy, uncomfortable atmosphere where we use salad forks and water goblets... although, once in a while it might be a fun thing to do. No, the idea is that love is considerate. It CONSIDERS others' needs and behaves accordingly.

Beyond loving our family we extend love to others when we consider them and their particular situations; When we allow someone with two items to cut ahead of our huge cart load of groceries; when we remain quiet in the movie theater, knowing that others have paid their money to watch the show with us; when we consider how our behavior affects others we are showing love. Narrate these actions to your children, not as a way of self promotion, but as a way of promoting obedience to God's Word. "God says love isn't rude, so we want to have good manners at the restaurant. Chewing with our mouths closed is good manners. Show mom how you have good manners. Good Job! You are a loving girl with your good manners!" Now, my kids are sort of past this type of conversation. So, for older kids it might sound something more like, "There are lot of people at this store, I think it will be difficult for some of the older people to move quickly, I'm going to make sure that I am paying attention to who is close to me so I don't accidentally bump someone." This is a way of suggesting manners without being blatant. We want our older kids to do most of the thinking themselves.

On a side note... my pet peeve: Saying "please" and "thank you" to your children when you are giving an instruction is confusing manners with obedience. Now, I realize this might shock and possibly offend some, but let's think about it for a second. The words 'please' and 'thank you' are permission words, and when we are giving our children directions, we certainly don't want them to think they have the option to decline our request, do we? 'Please' and 'thank you' should be reserved for times that aren't associated with training. "Oh, Johnny, you picked some beautiful flowers for me. Thank you!!" or "Cindy, would you please pass the bread? Thank you." The improper use of these phrases is one I see in the grocery stores A LOT. "Tommy, get back in the cart please." or "Thank you for doing what mommy said." UGH! We don't thank our children for obedience. We praise them. There is a huge difference. "Good Job!", "You are a fast worker!" "You did just what I said to do! That's awesome!" are far better responses than "Thank you." And likewise using a sweet, gracious tone when giving instruction is all the manners you need. Leave off the 'Please'.. please. Okay, got that off my chest. ;)

Prov. 16: 24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Love is not self-seeking:

This goes right along with love is not rude. Self-seeking is another name for selfish or greedy. We want to show love by being unselfish. One of my favorite Psalms is often used to begin a prayer of thanksgiving before meals: Psalm 145:15,16 "The eyes of all look to you , and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." This picture of an open hand is what demonstrates to me God's generosity. There is no clenched fist, just a hand held open inviting us to take what He has. This is our example.

Developing a strong familial unity will help our children to understand self-less-ness. When we teach that we are not individuals living independent lives, but rather, we are just one part of a whole, the choices we make reflect our thinking. We are not autonomous, and to seek our own way at the expense or neglect of others is not love. Eating dinner together, reading books aloud as a family, group games and puzzles are wonderful ways of promoting unity within the family.

Just before we left California for the Midwest years ago, I was out mowing and edging our front lawn for what would be the last time. A neighbor saw me outside and came over to talk. She said, "You know, you don't own the house anymore. You aren't legally responsible to keep up the yard. Let the new owners do that." I thought about what my husband would say ... (As a rule, this is usually the better thing than what I instinctively might say)... I said, "The Pools leave a place in better shape than when we arrived." This really has been our family motto when it comes to moves and such. No we weren't obligated to mow the lawn, water the flowers, or wash the windows, at least not by California law, but we know what God's Word says about loving our neighbor. So we do them, happily. Love isn't content with simply looking after number one.  Love notices the needs of others and is happy to oblige.

Prov. 3:27-28 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it" -- when you have it with you.




Next month we will continue with 1Corinthians 13 4-8 beginning with "Love is not easily angered"
If you would like to message me privately about anything in this months lesson feel free to contact me at either my facebook page (Sallie Pool) or by email: salliepool@yahoo.com.