Love and Manners Part 2

(A continuation of the Mothers Class on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)

Click HERE for previous lesson

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Love is not easily angered:Contrary to what many might think... anger is not necessarily sin. Ephesians 4:26,27 "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil. " Anger isn't the sin, but it is an open door that many of us are guilty of passing through to sin. Being angry over an injustice is not the same as being snippy impatient, or irritated. This chronic-type of anger is a strong symptom that our mind is out of alignment and we are in need of an adjustment. Look for the root of the problem. Is it improper planning on our part? What is the trigger? Do we enjoy being angry? Do we wear it like a battle scar or see it as our rightful attitude for all our hurt and pain we've had to endure? Or perhaps it is just what we have practiced for so long, we don't know anything different.

Maybe it was how we were raised and we think angry parents are normal parents.

Whatever the cause, the prescription is more time in God's word. His Word provides the mental adjustment we need. Someone once said to me, "A cup of sweet water, no matter how hard it is bumped, won't spill bitter water." When we have filled our mind with God's good word, it is what comes out in these trying moments.

We miss out on so much when we let resentment and bitterness steal our joy. Love is strong... it doesn't allow anger to rule our emotions or dictate our responses to trying situations. "Bite your tongue" has been around for a while, but seriously, it is good advice for someone who is just beginning to learn how to give up their sinful anger. Restrict the amount that you allow yourself to say. Don't allow yourself to say anything when you can feel your anger begin to bubble-up. Rarely do we regret being silent, but very often we feel great remorse over the things which we have said in a moment of anger.

When dealing with our kids, it's good to teach them that being angry isn't the sin. It is what we choose to do when we're angry that may cause us to sin. If we are so angry that we seek to harm someone, then we are sinning. Remaining calm yourself goes a long way with teaching your child how to deal with anger. Speak truth to them. "I saw what Shane did to your toy, and I see that it made you mad, didn't it?" Allowing your child to feel the anger without encouraging him to sin helps them get used to a pattern and allows them to learn how to deal with the anger. If they are in the wrong, we should correct using discernment. If the situation is still very emotional, you might choose to have your child sit away, alone for a few minutes to calm down. We want our kids to be receptive to what we have to say to them. Talking to them while they are blinded by an emotion like anger would be useless.  


If we simply push morality by emphasizing our child's right to justice, we miss a great opportunity to lead our kids to show compassion and grace where someone might not deserve it. Our example lies with how Christ deals with us. "...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  (Romans 5:8 ESV) We don't wait until someone makes us happy to forgive... when you can, take the opportunity of an offense to teach your child about grace.  (Keep in mind that your first priority is to protect your child and keep them safe.  Sometimes an offense just needs to be handled by the adults.  Be discerning.)

Prov. 14:29      Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

Prov. 15:1        A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Prov. 15:18      A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention

Prov. 16:32     Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

Prov. 19:11    Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Love keeps no record of wrongs:

From Dr. Lockwood's commentary on 1 Corinthians: "Love carries 'no chip on its shoulder.' It does not nurse a grudge. It forgives, even as Christ has forgiven (Eph. 4:32)." It is not God's way to remember our sins. He forgets, on purpose, and does not hold that, which he has every right to, against us.

In our role as parents, we must remember not to take our children's offenses personally or to keep track of them. Certainly, we want to be familiar with their weaknesses and areas of temptation, but this isn't the same as keeping a record of their wrongs. It isn't always pleasant to be the punching bag. As our kids grow, their capacity to offend grows as well. They can become proficient in "pushing our buttons". 


 When we offer immediate forgiveness to our child we are revealing God's love to them.  Let me say that again:   When we offer IMMEDIATE forgiveness (meaning we don't make our kids "pay" for our forgiveness... we give it freely), we are revealing God's love to them.  It is important not to confuse forgiveness with permissiveness.  A consequence for disobedience is not the same as keeping record of wrongs. 

Sibling relationships offer a wonderful arena for our kids to practice this act of forgiveness. I often quote these verses from the Proverbs for my kids as a reminder. Learning to sidestep an insult or an offense benefits not only the offender, but also the offended. Everyone wins and a relationship is strengthened.

Prov. 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses

Prov. 12:16 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

Prov. 17:9 Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth:

As children of God, the Holy Spirit makes us to recognize the Gospel as truth, and so we no longer tolerate unrighteousness. God's truth drives unrighteousness out. Not only does love reject evil, it doesn't even want to hear about it or be present around it. We should be nauseated at the sight of wickedness. Instead, we are to put our minds to thinking about things which are constructive and edifying. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  (Philippians 4:8 ESV)

Our children can be godly. We can expect godliness from our children. Praise them when you see correct behavior. Let it be known that you are delighted with their obedience. Rejoice when they speak God's Words of truth. Teach them to memorize His truths. Hiding God's words in our heart is storing up for future temptations. You can't expect to have the truth at a moment's notice if you haven't first stocked up. Spend time with your children; spend time together in God's Word.

Prov. 20:3 It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.

Prov. 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor.

Prov. 24:17 Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles,

Love always protects:

Love puts the needs of others before their own. The ESV translation of the scriptures says, "Love bears all things..." Again we see how patient and long suffering Love is.

Sometimes love shows itself not in what we allow our children to do, but in what we don't allow them to do. As parents, we would put our life on the line for our children, but sometimes we hesitate at the small stuff when it means our kids might not like us very much. Being a parent is not for the faint of heart! Many times we will be loathed for the firm stands that we take. But we must remember who the parent is.


 It is pretty easy to tell a toddler, "NO!" when they are reaching for a hot pan on a hot stove. We SEE the danger, we know exactly what horrible outcome might occur. We parent boldly. But something seems to happen as our children grow and they learn the fine arts of back talk, sulking, and master manipulation. No one wants to be the "bad guy"; But Love protects. Loving your child means placing age appropriate boundaries around them and refusing to let them break through even when they are trying really, REALLY hard.

I remember a conversation I had with my daughter when she was about twelve. The actual situation doesn't matter, the point is that she wanted to tell me that my rules were too strict and that we treated her like a baby by not giving her room to wander as she would like. Instead of arguing with her I said something like this. "Emily, These boundaries are around you to keep you safe. As you grow, we will move some of the boundaries further out, but only when we know it is safe. You can trust me. No matter how much you struggle, I promise that I will never let go." She looked at me kind of dumbfounded and through her tears I recognized a sort of relief behind her eyes. Do not be fooled, children WANT you to protect them. They just don't always realize it.

Side note: In order for us to protect our children, we must be aware of dangers ahead. We should be thinking constantly, watching constantly, and listening constantly. I have found that this is nearly impossible. However, I have been blessed on several occasions with friends who have seen or heard something that I missed. They brought it to my attention and I have been so thankful for those friends. When someone you trust comes to you with information that can help you better protect your children, be careful not to resent it or let your ego become bruised. A friend who is courageous enough to show you your blind spots is a true friend indeed.

Prov. 12:23 A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims folly.

Prov. 15:22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

Prov. 17:12 Let a man meet a she-bear robbed of her cubs rather than a fool in his folly.
Prov. 22:3 The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

Love always trusts:

Love isn't gullible, but rather trusts in what is true. Not that we always believe other people, but we believe the faith, which has been given to us through Christ, endures all circumstances. We trust God to be God. Not some Disney version of what we want God to be, but the God of the Scriptures. How do we know what that is? I'm glad you asked. :) The answer is, read your Bible, attend Sunday School or at least one Bible Study during the week. If you're not in a Bible Study (especially if you attend St. John) ... start this week!! Learn to read the Bible and to know what you believe and to trust what you believe!

Teach these truths to your children. Read to them the stories from God's Word, so that they won't ever know of a time when they didn't know who Jonah, Noah, or Daniel were. Give them that rich culture that only life in the Scriptures can give. Teach them to trust in God's Word.

Prov. 3:3 Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Prov. 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding

Love always hopes:

This past week a young lady, from our congregation lost her battle with cancer. She was just 22 years old. As Christians, we have the blessed hope of our Lord and Savior to comfort us during our earthy sorrows. This hope is that we will be with our Savior, and that all sin, all sorrow, all heartache will end.

This hope sustains us and encourages us. We know that we will be with Christ for all eternity. Give this hope to your children as well. Remind them each night as they lay their heads on their pillows that they are a child of God. That He loves them and one day they will be with him for all eternity. Let them get excited about being God's child. The line "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." is often changed or omitted from the familiar nighttime prayer for children. What a shame. There is so much comfort in those words. In the Hymn, "I am Jesus Little Lamb." the last verse proclaims a similar hope:

Who so happy as I am,
Even now the Shepherd's lamb?
And when my short life is ended,
By His angel host attended,
He shall fold me to His breast,
There within His arms to rest.

The reality is that we will all pass from this earthly life, so ignoring it to save a child's feelings is missing an opportunity to proclaim the truth of the hope we have in Christ. Live boldly knowing that your hope lies in Christ your Savior. The best is yet to come!

Prov. 8:17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me.

Prov. 8: 35 For whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord.

Love always perseveres:

Love doesn't flee, doesn't leave. Love is committed and it follows through. Unfortunately, we don't see enough of this characteristic of Love. Instead we see... Love sticks around until something better comes along... or Love sometimes tries, but if it gets too difficult, it will leave. Not so with God's love. God's love is triumphant and brave.

Have you ever had a battle of wills with a two year old? So, now you get a good idea of what "persevere" means. Holding fast to what you know to be true. How tempting it is at times to want to throw in the towel, give in...

I had a conversation with my mom the other night. She mentioned how some kids are just "easy". I thought it was quite ironic that she put me in that category. (I think love might be a little forgetful too!) My memory of my childhood is that I was a bit of a problem child, especially during my preteen years. I remember my mother making difficult decisions about my punishments... which usually meant she would be punished as well. I was pretty blatant about my disobedience. Okay, I was truly a smart mouth, but my mom held her ground. She was like a pit bull who refused to let me get away with anything. It's THAT tenacity, that perseverance, that we must have with our children. I don't think I was easy... I just think my mom persevered early in my life and reaped the benefits as I got older.

It was through the tenacity of our savior, Jesus Christ, and His death on the cross that we were brought to Love. His is a love that will not let us go.

Romans 8:38,39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Prov. 16:6 By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.

Love never fails:

Love is strength. It fortifies us and pushes us closer to God. Love is not weak, or puny. It will never collapse. It holds us forever.

Love is faithful and confident. It is dependable and trustworthy. God's love doesn't waver and doesn't shift. All through history from creation to this present age we see God's faithfulness. What He says He will do, He does. Emphasis on the "He does."

I know I beat this over and over again, but it is so important to grasp that the work God does, HE does.. in us and through us. Even for a moment, when we slip into the mindset that we are responsible for doing anything good, we are relying on ourselves. YOU are not strong. YOU are not faithful. YOU are not confident. Your strength, confidence and faithfulness are found ONLY in the Love of God; the Word of God; Christ Jesus.

This is wonderful news for parents. I don't think any of us would claim to know it all, have it all, or be it all... We are all too aware of our shortcomings when it pertains to parenting. Take heart, because Love never fails. Love's promises stand firm and hold you up. You don't need to be puny, or weak. When you fail, return to the one who doesn't. Repent, ask for forgiveness and take what He promises to give you. His Love; His Grace; His forgiveness.

Prov. 14:27 In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.

Prov. 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

Summary:

Christ is our model for all that love is, does, and accomplishes. Yep, that is the summary. Like I tell my 7th and 8th grade Sunday school students... It all points to Jesus, always.

Assignment:

A reminder for us that in Christ we can do all that He asks of us. It is through the victory of the cross that we can Love.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
(1 John 4:7-12 ESV)

Can I just say... John rocks :)

Read daily and insert your own name (or the name of your child as you read it to him/her) into the blanks

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

_________ is patient, __________is kind. _________ does not envy, __________ does not boast,

_________ is not easily angered, __________ keeps no record of wrongs. __________ does not

delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ________always protects, always trusts, always hopes,

always persevere. _________ never fails


Feel free to email me with private questions, comments or clarifications. :)  salliepool@yahoo.com

Mothers Class

Love and Manners (part 1)

Tuesday, February 20, 2012

Introductions:

Many times when we are searching God's Word and asking Him to reveal His truths, we can absentmindedly put the cart before the horse. This is done when we feel that we have a truth that we want scripture to support. So instead of gleaning truth from scripture we have pulled out various Scriptures to fit our truth. Even if our truth is parallel to God's and not in opposition, we still must realize that our methods are lazy, undisciplined and can eventually lead us to false teachings. It also makes us more susceptible to false teachings from other places. It is a common error which many, MANY Christians commit.

I have found that I am someone who often reads Scripture incorrectly. We should confess our selfish desires, our sinful will, and ask for God's forgiveness when we search His Word this way. I don't say this to be harsh, but to put it plainly. Jesus rebuked Peter and called him Satan when he tried to do this (Mark 8:32,33). Peter told Jesus that there was no way he would allow Jesus to give up His life. (Matt 16:22).. Peter had taken God's Words out of context and used them for His own purposes; to glorify himself. This is a big no-no. It is sin and we should see it as sin. But as with all sin, there is forgiveness. Peter didn't get banned from the voters assembly, he didn't get kicked out of the club... and neither do we. We are covered by God's grace and we receive His forgiveness as we repent, continue to grow and continue to learn. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have Mercy.

...On to tonight's lesson. While this passage we are reading tonight is common, familiar, and often quoted, let us put on our mommy hats as we search for God's wisdom. We'll read these scriptures and keep in mind our relationship to our children as well as our children's relationships with others. Because we are striving to develop a habit of reading the Proverbs daily as a way of storing up into our minds God's treasured words, I have chosen particular Proverbs which support these verses in the letter to the church in Corinth and added them to each section.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love is patient:

Love's first and greatest characteristic is to be long suffering; "slow to anger". Love doesn't have an expiration date, it has an unlimited time for enduring. Think about Paul, who is writing this letter. He is truly the recipient of God's patient love. How patient God was with him, even while he was a slayer of Christians. When we are long tempered rather than short tempered, we reflect and imitate God's patience. Long suffering is not natural and it isn't produced simply by exercising self control.  You can't make yourself be long suffering. Patience is a gift from God; a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22).  (Concordia Commentary on 1Corinthians, Dr. Lockwood) Because the Holy Spirit lives in you as a child of God, you have the ability to love, to be patient, to be long suffering. Sometimes all we need is the reminder of this truth. "He is making me patient. I WILL be patient. I AM patient."

You choose how you will behave in any given situation. Truly, love suffers for others; for their benefit. As mothers this manifests itself in how we interact with our children. We absorb their anger, their frustration... we suffer it for them. We take the verbal blow and we don't swing back. Love doesn't react. This goes against every "instinct" in our bodies, doesn't it? How quickly a hot tempered thought or word can come to our minds. It is the disciplined one who knows to wait on the Lord for His Words. If this is a new concept to us, then the wait might be a few minutes...or even a few hours. As the years progress and as we learn to wait on the Lord for His proper response, it eventually comes more quickly. Instead of a sinful gut-reaction to a hurtful word or disobedience, we are ready with loving correction produced by an even vocal tone. We remove the blinding, feverish emotion that is so effortless with the purpose of loving and rearing our children in God's truth.

Prov. 14:17 A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated

Prov. 15:28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Prov. 16:6 By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.

Prov. 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Love is kind:
God's kindness to us is based on His generosity, not on our merit. God's kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Rom 2:4) God's kindness is strong and with intention to bear fruit in us. (Gal 5:22, Col 3:12)

We participate in God's kindness when, like Christ, we extend grace, charity, friendliness, and gentleness to our children without their merit. We initiate kindness. We literally bring ourselves down to their level, just as Christ did for us. Bending at our knees so that they can look us in the eye. Sitting them on our laps as we speak to them. We are to enter their world for they aren't yet able to enter ours. Kindness should not be seen simply as sticky sweetness, but should be the practice of useful, beneficial, friendly acts.

I don't particularly enjoy playing Pretty, Pretty Princess, but when my daughter was 5, this was her favorite game. For those who aren't familiar with this game, it involves moving a game piece endlessly around a board with the goal of landing on certain spots and acquiring various pieces of gaudy jewelry including, but not limited to a tiara. If I thought I looked ridiculous at the end of this game, seeing my husband dripping in plastic accessories was priceless, and as far as Emily knew, we just couldn't get enough of this game. This was kindness.

As Emily grew up and began playing with her younger brother and other younger children, we sought to develop kindness in her, reminding her that she was to play whatever game the youngest could play. "The youngest one gets to choose the game," became a motto in our home.

I believe that a home which is filled with kindness often has the most success when correction is needed. When everyday speech is gentle and the atmosphere is one of peace, the stark contrast of a word of correction stands out without the need of harshness or anger. In a home where the environment is unkind and animosity abides, it will seem necessary to raise the volume of correction in order to be heard, often resulting in yelling or screaming.

Prov. 11:17 A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.

Prov. 15:4 A gentle (healing) tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

Prov. 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor

Love does not envy (is not jealous):
While the first two characteristics of Love are positive we now see Paul showing us what love is not. Love is not jealous.

Jealousy robs us of our contentment. Being discontent is a result of having the wrong focus. We take our eyes off of Christ and His great gift of forgiveness and instead we look around us. Possibly at others... what they have that we don't; what they can do that we can't. "That's not fair," often enters our thinking, until we completely ignore our treasure of forgiveness and grace through faith... all which were gifts to us.

Matthew records Jesus telling the story of the workers in the vineyard. (Matt. 20:1-16) Whether the workers had been working all day or for only a few hours, they all received the same pay from the master. An amount, which was fair and had been agreed upon beforehand... but when those who had been working longer saw that those who hadn't worked as long, received the same amount, they became discontented. Suddenly, they felt slighted, not because they were, but because they thought it was unfair that others should receive such grace from the master. But the truth is... it is the master's to give how he chooses.(Matt 20:15) We have been given the grace of our Father, freely. If he chooses to bless another more, less, or differently than he has blessed us, we should rejoice in the blessings of our neighbors, understanding that all are gifts from the Father.

Using this example as our rationale for how we rear our children, we should teach our children to recognize parental grace and not be discontent with their position within the family. How many times have you heard the phrase, "You love my sister more than me?" or "You didn't make him do what you're making me do"... Sibling rivalry often begins with jealousy and discontent. Instilling a grateful and thankful heart into our children is the solution to jealousy. We want to encourage our children to rejoice in the blessings of others. Their siblings are a great place to start. Proverb 22:9 talks about a bountiful eye... when we know there is enough to go around, we feel free to give lavishly of our time, attention and gifts. It is the jealous and envious eye which hoards and lives a stingy life.

Prov. 14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

Prov. 22:9 Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his bread with the poor.

Prov. 23:17 Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.

Prov 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

Love does not boast: 
Love isn't a braggart or puffed up. As parents, we don't want our children to feel indebted to us. All that we do, we must remember that we do it for the Lord, whether it be laundry, making dinner or cleaning toilets. It's difficult, maybe, to think about bragging about such remedial tasks, but we find a  way. When we make the task about us, our efforts, our sacrifices, we are bragging.

It's been a while since I've seen it, but do you remember a commercial on TV about Rice Krispie treats? The mom is in the kitchen reading a romance novel. As she finishes her book, she spritzes water on her face, puffs flour into her face and dons a tired and worn expression. She brings the plate of Rice Krispie treats to her family in the other room. Then all you hear are exclamations from her husband and children about how she shouldn't have worked so hard... and as the audience we understand that the treats took very little effort to make. I find this commercial comical because it is often how we as mom behave. It isn't, however how we want to remain. We want what God wants for us. God's way teaches us to give without expecting in return and to do it joyfully. We should be hiding the fact that it took effort. We should strive to make it look easy. Let us be content in our vocation and let our children and husband do the bragging on us. :) When we aren't praised for our efforts--and we know there are many times when they go unnoticed--take special comfort in knowing that the Lord has seen you and is pleased.

Prov. 3:7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

Prov. 25:6-7 Do not put yourself forward in the king's presence or stand in the place of the great, for it is better to be told, "Come up here," than to be put lower in the presence of a noble.

Prov 26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

Prov 27:2 Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips.

Love is not proud:
So what is pride? Don't we see that as a positive thing? When we tell our children to "take pride in their appearance"... aren't we just telling them to have good healthy hygiene habits? What's wrong with that? Or what about when, as parents, we're busting our buttons in pride because our children were obedient, or achieved something difficult through hard work and dedication? Is that wrong?

Let's look at what Paul is saying here... and to whom he is speaking. The Christians at the church in Corinth were a people puffed up with arrogance, which was causing division in the body of Christ. They had put themselves ahead of Christ and Christ's purposes. Anytime our accomplishments, or our vision of ourselves puts us ahead of Christ, we are being proud. When our sense of importance and self is so puffed up and distorted, we are ugly. Love is not ugly.

Love puts us in our proper order. We should imitate the humility of Christ, who made himself to live among us. He submitted himself to the Father's authority, even to death on the cross. There is nothing more lovely than the humility of Christ. To be humble... to put ourselves in our proper place, is a lovely thing.

As parents we should be aware of the proper order within our home. Regardless of what is spoken out in the world, we know Scripture is very clear about God's order of creation. We talked a little bit about it last month. When we allow our children to get out of order, we are allowing them to be prideful and ugly. It is Scriptural to "know our place". This phrase is not one that many will get warm fuzzy feelings about, I realize this. But it is one that speaks to our pride and quickly reforms our thinking. As Jesus said to Peter,"Get behind me," (Mark 8:33) so we can say to our children, "Know your place." Your place is behind me, a place of submission and a place of protection. It is the proper order and it is lovely.

Prov. 11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.

Prov. 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

Prov. 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Prov. 18:12 Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor.

Love is not rude: 
Here is where the Manners section of our lesson comes in. We see here that having good manners is an act of love. Especially in our families we should be exercising good manners, considerations and respect. I often tell my own children that manners are first for family and then for friends. This is a reminder to them that if they aren't practicing love and manners with their siblings, they won't be allowed to spend time with friends. It is easy for us to take our families for granted and not practice good manners on them. It isn't that we want to create a stuffy, uncomfortable atmosphere where we use salad forks and water goblets... although, once in a while it might be a fun thing to do. No, the idea is that love is considerate. It CONSIDERS others' needs and behaves accordingly.

Beyond loving our family we extend love to others when we consider them and their particular situations; When we allow someone with two items to cut ahead of our huge cart load of groceries; when we remain quiet in the movie theater, knowing that others have paid their money to watch the show with us; when we consider how our behavior affects others we are showing love. Narrate these actions to your children, not as a way of self promotion, but as a way of promoting obedience to God's Word. "God says love isn't rude, so we want to have good manners at the restaurant. Chewing with our mouths closed is good manners. Show mom how you have good manners. Good Job! You are a loving girl with your good manners!" Now, my kids are sort of past this type of conversation. So, for older kids it might sound something more like, "There are lot of people at this store, I think it will be difficult for some of the older people to move quickly, I'm going to make sure that I am paying attention to who is close to me so I don't accidentally bump someone." This is a way of suggesting manners without being blatant. We want our older kids to do most of the thinking themselves.

On a side note... my pet peeve: Saying "please" and "thank you" to your children when you are giving an instruction is confusing manners with obedience. Now, I realize this might shock and possibly offend some, but let's think about it for a second. The words 'please' and 'thank you' are permission words, and when we are giving our children directions, we certainly don't want them to think they have the option to decline our request, do we? 'Please' and 'thank you' should be reserved for times that aren't associated with training. "Oh, Johnny, you picked some beautiful flowers for me. Thank you!!" or "Cindy, would you please pass the bread? Thank you." The improper use of these phrases is one I see in the grocery stores A LOT. "Tommy, get back in the cart please." or "Thank you for doing what mommy said." UGH! We don't thank our children for obedience. We praise them. There is a huge difference. "Good Job!", "You are a fast worker!" "You did just what I said to do! That's awesome!" are far better responses than "Thank you." And likewise using a sweet, gracious tone when giving instruction is all the manners you need. Leave off the 'Please'.. please. Okay, got that off my chest. ;)

Prov. 16: 24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.

Love is not self-seeking:

This goes right along with love is not rude. Self-seeking is another name for selfish or greedy. We want to show love by being unselfish. One of my favorite Psalms is often used to begin a prayer of thanksgiving before meals: Psalm 145:15,16 "The eyes of all look to you , and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." This picture of an open hand is what demonstrates to me God's generosity. There is no clenched fist, just a hand held open inviting us to take what He has. This is our example.

Developing a strong familial unity will help our children to understand self-less-ness. When we teach that we are not individuals living independent lives, but rather, we are just one part of a whole, the choices we make reflect our thinking. We are not autonomous, and to seek our own way at the expense or neglect of others is not love. Eating dinner together, reading books aloud as a family, group games and puzzles are wonderful ways of promoting unity within the family.

Just before we left California for the Midwest years ago, I was out mowing and edging our front lawn for what would be the last time. A neighbor saw me outside and came over to talk. She said, "You know, you don't own the house anymore. You aren't legally responsible to keep up the yard. Let the new owners do that." I thought about what my husband would say ... (As a rule, this is usually the better thing than what I instinctively might say)... I said, "The Pools leave a place in better shape than when we arrived." This really has been our family motto when it comes to moves and such. No we weren't obligated to mow the lawn, water the flowers, or wash the windows, at least not by California law, but we know what God's Word says about loving our neighbor. So we do them, happily. Love isn't content with simply looking after number one.  Love notices the needs of others and is happy to oblige.

Prov. 3:27-28 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it" -- when you have it with you.




Next month we will continue with 1Corinthians 13 4-8 beginning with "Love is not easily angered"
If you would like to message me privately about anything in this months lesson feel free to contact me at either my facebook page (Sallie Pool) or by email: salliepool@yahoo.com.

Mothers Class

...because this was easier than trying to email a huge file to several different people :)  THAT is how techno-illiterate I truly am... God bless you if you can get through it all!!!

Mothers Class January 17, 2012
Order and Obedience:

Order:

Within God's design of creation, He has made an order, and this order is good. The trinity is God the Father as the head, Jesus, begotten of the father and the Holy Spirit who proceeds from the Father and the Son.  We can see there is an order even for the Trinity and it is good.  They are equal in substance, but different in persons, different in vocations.  So too in our families we have a created order given to us by our Creator, God.  Man and woman are equal in substance, but different in how we were created and different in our vocations.  As mothers, we have been given the authority by God and by our husbands... not to be perfect, but to be over our children, instructing them, teaching them, disciplining them,  This is God's good order.  Motherhood is our vocation.  Perfection... even semi perfection is not your vocation, or even a prerequisite.  Understand that you have the authority over your children, not because you earned it, deserve it or qualify for it.    You have it because it has been given to you, and as with any gift given to us by the Father, He is also responsible for making it work in us.

Obedience:

Deuteronomy 26:16 "This day the LORD your God commands you to do these statutes and rules. You shall, therefore be careful to do them with all your heart and with all your soul.

Obedience is commanded by God to be done with all our heart and with all our soul.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Obedience is a direction. A way to go, a path or "training tracks".

Ephesians 2:8-10 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared before-hand, that we should walk in them.

Obedience is God's good work.

God has laid out the "train tracks"-- the way we should go-- and we as parents are to teach in such a way as to align our children to these tracks, understanding that even our children's obedience is a work of God in them. God causes obedience in our children through the instruction of His Word. When we bring God's word to their ears, when we speak, teach, and instruct them in His ways, we are laying God's tracks down in front of them. Then they are able to obey or follow those tracks. This is what "directing" is. When we are faithful to direct our children, we will spend less time in correcting them.  You will, of course at times have to correct your children. They aren't perfect and will need reminders, admonitions and discipline, but the idea is that the more effort made in directing, means less correcting will be necessary.

Directing Vs. Correcting

When I say Directing vs. Correcting, I mean to impress how important true teaching is. While we certainly need to correct at times, I think we would do much better to recognize that those skills and behaviors which we require from our children need to first be taught to them. It seems like a "duh" thing to say, but I find that I am often putting a task in front of my children that I haven't sufficiently instructed them to be able to do. When I do this, I am setting my kids up for failure, and as a mother who loves her children, this is not what I want to do. I want to make it easy for them to obey.  

1. Deuteronomy 5:16 Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commaqnded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Obedience Keeps you safe- God's Word teaches children that obedience to our parents has a promise.

The fourth commandment comes with a promise for us and for our children. "...that your days maybe long and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." There is an excerpt from Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House in the Big Woods I'd like to read. (Blogger friends...the excerpt is from pages 103-106 if you would like to read it, but I'm not typing all that!!!)  When I think of children obeying immediately, I think of this story. To do as you are told, quickly and with no question just as Laura did is a fine example of the safety of obedience. We want this from our children. There are moments in our lives where we might only have time for a few quick words of fervent instruction, maybe only "STOP!" and we NEED our children to respond immediately. You cannot expect them to be able to do this if they haven't been taught.

Teaching in the "down" moments is crucial for immediate obedience. When the kids were little, I made up a game we called the Parking Lot game. You can probably imagine what this game might have been like. When walking through a parking lot, I might randomly say, "Parking lot game!!" which meant that they were to immediately find me and stand by my side. Then I would quicken or slow my pace and the kids would have to keep in step with me. They thought it was fun. But there was more than one occasion when I spotted the white reverse lights of an oblivious driver coming out of a nearby parking spot, and without need for panic, I just playfully called..."Parking Lot Game!!" And there were my kids, safely by my side. 

 2. Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

"Momma Knows." God's Word teaches children to love, fear and trust God.

You and your husband are the first representatives of God that your children will have. We want to teach our children to trust us, their parents, to know what is best for them. This will in turn teach them to trust in the Lord as they grow up. In a confident tone we use this phrase to affirm our love for and dedication to the well being of our children. It conveys to our children that they are being cared for and that their needs are being met. "Momma knows what you need." It is a phrase that reassures them. "I know you don't understand, and that is alright, because Momma knows." If you have a child who is particularly prone to worrying or fretting, this is an obedience that is especially comforting to them. "Oh,okay, Momma knows. She will take care of it."

Many times we feel we need to give our children choices, allow them to pick. Consider this verse when I suggest that it is good for parents to make decisions for their children to reinforce who is trusting whom. When you go to a restaurant, decide for your young child what they will eat. Don't ask them. You have knowledge of what they like, you care for them, you know what is good for them, you want them to have good things. Why then would we give choices to children which shouldn't be there's to make? We are afraid, I think, sometimes to parent our own children. Oh my goodness, I told my child what to eat! Well...Momma Knows. No, it isn't being a tyrant. It is truly displaying a safe and secure environment for your child. Make decisions that are parental decisions and refrain from asking for your child's opinion or permission. If you know the kind of coat that they need for winter, don't ask them what they want. We all know the choices they will make!! That is why they have a mom. 

 Also, be the first one to notice their needs. I remember Emily needed a new bike. She had outgrown her old one, but was still managing to ride it. I was learning this very truth in Mothers Class, when I approached my husband with an idea. I said, "I think Emily's bike is too small for her and she really should have a bigger one. It isn't her birthday and it's no where near Christmas. I think we should use this as an opportunity to show her that we are aware of her needs and that she can trust us to supply what she needs." Dan agreed and we gifted Emily with a new bike because we saw that she needed one.

Sometimes older children will not trust you and will instead trust in their own understanding. They might decide they know better. They choose to go against your knowledge, thinking their knowledge is greater. Often as our children are growing and stretching their will, they want to go beyond what we know to be safe boundaries for them. They try to convince us that they are capable of more than we know they are. "But mom, Tammy's mom is letting HER go!! I can't believe you won't let me. You treat me like a baby!!!" And again our response is, "I know you don't understand right now, but that is okay, because Momma knows, and I promise to keep you safe." And if you have done the teaching of "momma knows" early in their lives, they won't depart from it. Rebel against it maybe, but they will remember.

Side note: In order for momma to have all the knowledge she claims to have, she needs to have full access to all information. Meaning, no place is off limits for Momma. We have an "doors open" policy. When friends come over to play, we expect the doors to stay open. When skyping friends or playing on the computer... doors stay open. This allows us to be able to hear conversations and be in the "know about possible problems that might arise. Except for changing clothes and keeping the cat out of your room at night... the doors are open. Children don't need all the privacy that the world would have you believe they need. It isn't privacy they need, it is protection. When momma knows what is going on, she is better able to give that protection. Momma doesn't just know, Momma sees and Momma hears too. :)

2. James 5:12 But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation. Speak the truth/ Let your yes be yes and your no be no. God's Word teaches honesty and integrity.

Teach your children to trust your word and to speak the truth. Teach your children to mean what they say. Encourage truth and discourage falsehoods and unnecessary exaggerations. When a child says there were a hundred people at the birthday party, they aren't intending to lie, but we should direct them to be more specific. "What you mean to say is that there were a lot of people there. Let us remember to say what we mean so we don't train others to ignore our words." I have often told children who have intentionally led me to believe something that wasn't true, "You are teaching me not to trust your words. Is that what you mean to do, or do you want to change what you're saying and tell me what is true?" (Obviously, these wordy responses are meant for older children.)  Give your children the opportunity to change disobedience to obedience.  We want to make it easy for them, and to give them second chances when we can.  "I know you said this..., but I want you to think for a minute and change what you said so it is the truth." 

As for parents, you shouldn't have to promise or cross your heart, count to three or add anything to your word. If you say yes, then others and your children should expect that that is what you mean. Likewise, if you say no, your children should understand this to be final. This teaches consistency. Inconsistency provokes children to anger. They want to please you, but if the rules constantly change and there is no clear path to pleasing you, they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21 Fathers do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.) Do no speak before you have given thought to the words you are saying. So often we give an answer to our children before we have truly thought of what we are saying, only to revoke the answer and possibly provoke our children. Allowing children to negotiate a new answer from you undermines your word. If it doesn't matter to you where your child puts her backpack, then don't give a specific direction to "hang up your backpack in your room". If you want to give your child a choice as to where she puts the back pack then say, "Where would you like to put your back pack?" But if you say to your child, "Put your back pack in your room." Then there is only one action that is truly obedience.

If yesterday your children weren't supposed to jump on the couch and today you just don't want to fight that battle... you are being inconsistent. If you give a direction and allow your children to ignore you, your word becomes meaningless. Think before you direct and follow through with the direction you give. Make your word count. 

 Sometimes we will speak before we think and give a direction that must be corrected because of new information or an error on your part. It's okay to apologize to your child and say that you have had to change your answer. Explain the situation, so it doesn't appear arbitrary. If the situation calls for it, you could even ask for their forgiveness. Remember parenting isn't about being perfect.  It is very appropriate for parents to model repentance to their children.

4. 1 Samuel 3  (This is the account of Samuel hearing God's voice calling his name.  Samuel's thinks   Eli, the priest who is his guardian, is calling him.  He quickly goes to Eli.  Eli hasn't called him and sends Samuel back to bed.  The third time this happens Eli tells Samuel that if the voice calls again to say, "Speak , for your servant hears."  Samuel does this and the Lord speaks to him.)

Coming when you are called: God's Word teaches children to listen and be attentive.

Samuel hears God's voice and comes. We want to teach our children to be attentive to our voice and obedient to our call. When Eric was a toddler we used to play a sort of reverse hide and seek. I would tell him, "Eric you go run into the kitchen where you can't see me, and then I will call your name and you get to come to mommy as fast as you can. Okay, GO!" He would run away giggling. I'd wait a few seconds and then start calling for him, "Eric, mommy wants you, come to mommy" and I only called once. He always came and when he got to me he got a huge hug, a smile and a verbal reward. "Oh you did such a good job. You came so fast when I called your name, Good job!!" As teenagers now, I rarely have to call my kids more than once. Sometimes there might be silence after my call, or the occasional "What?" from their bedrooms. But it usually only takes a second or two before they realize that it is their responsibility to come to me... not the other way around. Certainly there are times when I am aware that they are in the middle of school, or have a friend over, and it might be rude of me to call to them and expect them to come running. We want to be thoughtful of our children. In these situations, I usually trudge up the stairs and deliver my message to them.

Being attentive to a parent's wishes means a child needs to be mindful of things outside himself. I have had my kids, across a crowded room, look up and scan the room for me because they can "feel me looking at them". They have been taught to wonder what mom thinks, or is there something I should be doing? Where is mom? Mom will give me cues. Mom has instructions for me...Sensitivity and attentiveness are wonderful skills to instill in our children. If only to give them an encouraging smile, having them search for you and be aware of your presence is a wonderful gift to any mother.

So, if you have actually gotten this far... I am impressed :) This is almost word for word what I spoke to the mothers who came to class tonight.

 I left them with this reminder:

We don't "work" at being better parents. We receive God's Word, which develops us. There is a big difference. We don't attach fruit to tree limbs and declare the tree to be an apple tree. The tree grows from a seed and produces fruit. God plants his Word in your heart, and from that Word grow "our" good deeds. Be careful not to think backwards. ;)

God's Blessings.