Mothers Class January 17, 2012
Order and Obedience:
Order:
Within God's design of creation, He has made an order, and this order is good. The trinity is God the Father as the head, Jesus, begotten of the father and the Holy Spirit who proceeds from the Father and the Son. We can see there is an order even for the Trinity and it is good. They are equal in substance, but different in persons, different in vocations. So too in our families we have a created order given to us by our Creator, God. Man and woman are equal in substance, but different in how we were created and different in our vocations. As mothers, we have been given the authority by God and by our husbands... not to be perfect, but to be over our children, instructing them, teaching them, disciplining them, This is God's good order. Motherhood is our vocation. Perfection... even semi perfection is not your vocation, or even a prerequisite. Understand that you have the authority over your children, not because you earned it, deserve it or qualify for it. You have it because it has been given to you, and as with any gift given to us by the Father, He is also responsible for making it work in us.
Obedience:
Deuteronomy 26:16 "This day the
LORD your God commands you to do these statutes and rules. You
shall, therefore be careful to do them with all your heart and with
all your soul.
Obedience is
commanded by God to be done with all our
heart and with all our soul.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in
the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Obedience
is a
direction. A way to go, a path or "training tracks".
Ephesians 2:8-10 For by grace you
have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is
the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared before-hand, that we should walk in them.
Obedience
is God's
good work.
God
has laid out the "train tracks"-- the way we should go--
and we as parents are to teach in such a way as to align our children
to these tracks, understanding that even our children's obedience is
a work of God in them. God causes obedience in our children through
the instruction of His Word. When we bring God's word to their ears,
when we speak, teach, and instruct them in His ways, we are laying
God's tracks down in front of them. Then they are able to obey or
follow those tracks. This is what "directing" is. When we
are faithful to direct our children, we will spend less time in
correcting them. You will, of course at times have to correct your
children. They aren't perfect and will need reminders, admonitions
and discipline, but the idea is that the more effort made in
directing, means less correcting will be necessary.
Directing Vs. Correcting
When I say
Directing vs. Correcting, I mean to impress how important true
teaching is. While we certainly need to correct at times, I think we
would do much better to recognize that those skills and behaviors
which we require from our children need to first be taught to them.
It seems like a "duh" thing to say, but I find that I am
often putting a task in front of my children that I haven't
sufficiently instructed them to be able to do. When I do this, I am
setting my kids up for failure, and as a mother who loves her
children, this is not what I want to do. I want to make it easy for
them to obey.
1. Deuteronomy
5:16 Honor
your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commaqnded you,
that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the
land that the Lord your God is giving you.
Obedience Keeps you safe- God's
Word teaches children that obedience to our parents has a promise.
The
fourth commandment comes with a promise for us and for our children.
"...that your days maybe long and that it may go well with you
in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." There is an
excerpt from Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House in the Big Woods
I'd like to read. (Blogger friends...the excerpt is from pages 103-106 if you would like to read it, but I'm not typing all that!!!) When I think of children obeying immediately, I
think of this story. To do as you are told, quickly and with no
question just as Laura did is a fine example of the safety of
obedience. We want this from our children. There are moments in our
lives where we might only have time for a few quick words of fervent
instruction, maybe only "STOP!" and we NEED our children to
respond immediately. You cannot expect them to be able to do this if
they haven't been taught.
Teaching
in the "down" moments is crucial for immediate obedience.
When the kids were little, I made up a game we called the Parking Lot
game. You can probably imagine what this game might have been like.
When walking through a parking lot, I might randomly say, "Parking
lot game!!" which meant that they were to immediately find me
and stand by my side. Then I would quicken or slow my pace and the
kids would have to keep in step with me. They thought it was fun.
But there was more than one occasion when I spotted the white reverse
lights of an oblivious driver coming out of a nearby parking spot,
and without need for panic, I just playfully called..."Parking
Lot Game!!" And there were my kids, safely by my side.
2.
Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not
lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your
flesh and refreshment to your bones.
"Momma Knows."
God's Word teaches children to
love, fear and trust God.
You and your
husband are the first representatives of God that your children will
have. We want to teach our
children to trust us, their parents, to know what is best for them.
This will in turn teach them to trust in the Lord as they grow up.
In a confident tone we use this phrase to affirm our love for and
dedication to the well being of our children. It conveys to our
children that they are being cared for and that their needs are being
met. "Momma knows what you need." It is a phrase that
reassures them. "I know you don't understand, and that is
alright, because Momma knows." If you have a child who is
particularly prone to worrying or fretting, this is an obedience that
is especially comforting to them. "Oh,okay, Momma knows. She
will take care of it."
Many times we
feel we need to give our children choices, allow them to pick.
Consider this verse when I suggest that it is good for parents to
make decisions for their children to reinforce who is trusting whom.
When you go to a restaurant, decide for your young child what they
will eat. Don't ask them. You have knowledge of what they like,
you care for them, you know what is good for them, you want them to
have good things. Why then would we give choices to children which
shouldn't be there's to make? We are afraid, I think, sometimes to
parent our own children. Oh my goodness, I told my child what to
eat! Well...Momma Knows. No, it isn't being a tyrant. It is truly
displaying a safe and secure environment for your child. Make
decisions that are parental decisions and refrain from asking for
your child's opinion or permission. If you know the kind of coat
that they need for winter, don't ask them what they want. We all
know the choices they will make!! That is why they have a mom.
Also, be the first one to notice their needs. I remember Emily
needed a new bike. She had outgrown her old one, but was still
managing to ride it. I was learning this very truth in Mothers
Class, when I approached my husband with an idea. I said, "I
think Emily's bike is too small for her and she really should have a
bigger one. It isn't her birthday and it's no where near Christmas.
I think we should use this as an opportunity to show her that we are
aware of her needs and that she can trust us to supply what she
needs." Dan agreed and we gifted Emily with a new bike because
we saw that she needed one.
Sometimes
older children will not trust you and will instead trust in their own
understanding. They might decide they know better. They choose to
go against your knowledge, thinking their knowledge is greater.
Often as our children are growing and stretching their will, they
want to go beyond what we know to be safe boundaries for them. They
try to convince us that they are capable of more than we know they
are. "But mom, Tammy's mom is letting HER go!! I can't believe
you won't let me. You treat me like a baby!!!" And again our
response is, "I know you don't understand right now, but that is
okay, because Momma knows, and I promise to keep you safe." And
if you have done the teaching of "momma knows" early in
their lives, they won't depart from it. Rebel against it maybe, but
they will remember.
Side note: In
order for momma to have all the knowledge she claims to have, she
needs to have full access to all information. Meaning, no place is
off limits for Momma. We have an "doors open" policy. When
friends come over to play, we expect the doors to stay open. When
skyping friends or playing on the computer... doors stay open. This
allows us to be able to hear conversations and be in the "know
about possible problems that might arise. Except for changing
clothes and keeping the cat out of your room at night... the doors
are open. Children don't need all the privacy that the world would
have you believe they need. It isn't privacy they need, it is
protection. When momma knows what is going on, she is better able to
give that protection. Momma doesn't just know, Momma sees and Momma
hears too. :)
2.
James 5:12 But above all, my
brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other
oath, but let your "yes" be yes and your "no" be
no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.
Speak the truth/ Let your yes be yes and your no be
no. God's
Word teaches honesty and integrity.
Teach your
children to trust your word and to speak the truth. Teach your
children to mean what they say. Encourage truth and discourage
falsehoods and unnecessary exaggerations. When a child says there
were a hundred people at the birthday party, they aren't intending to
lie, but we should direct them to be more specific. "What you
mean to say is that there were a lot of people there. Let us remember
to say what we mean so we don't train others to ignore our words."
I have often told children who have intentionally led me to believe
something that wasn't true, "You are teaching me not to trust
your words. Is that what you mean to do, or do you want to change
what you're saying and tell me what is true?" (Obviously, these
wordy responses are meant for older children.) Give your children the opportunity to change disobedience to obedience. We want to make it easy for them, and to give them second chances when we can. "I know you said this..., but I want you to think for a minute and change what you said so it is the truth."
As for
parents, you shouldn't have to promise or cross your heart, count to
three or add anything to your word. If you say yes, then others and
your children should expect that that is what you mean. Likewise, if
you say no, your children should understand this to be final. This
teaches consistency. Inconsistency provokes children to anger. They
want to please you, but if the rules constantly change and there is
no clear path to pleasing you, they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21
Fathers do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.)
Do no speak before you have given thought to the words you are
saying. So often we give an answer to our children before we have
truly thought of what we are saying, only to revoke the answer and
possibly provoke our children. Allowing children to negotiate a new
answer from you undermines your word. If it doesn't matter to you
where your child puts her backpack, then don't give a specific
direction to "hang up your backpack in your room". If you
want to give your child a choice as to where she puts the back pack
then say, "Where would you like to put your back pack?"
But if you say to your child, "Put your back pack in your room."
Then there is only one action that is truly obedience.
If yesterday
your children weren't supposed to jump on the couch and today you
just don't want to fight that battle... you are being inconsistent.
If you give a direction and allow your children to ignore you, your
word becomes meaningless. Think before you direct and follow through
with the direction you give. Make your word count.
Sometimes we
will speak before we think and give a direction that must be
corrected because of new information or an error on your part. It's
okay to apologize to your child and say that you have had to change
your answer. Explain the situation, so it doesn't appear arbitrary.
If the situation calls for it, you could even ask for their
forgiveness. Remember parenting isn't about being perfect. It is very appropriate for parents to model repentance to their children.
4.
1 Samuel 3 (This is the account of Samuel hearing God's voice calling his name. Samuel's thinks Eli, the priest who is his guardian, is calling him. He quickly goes to Eli. Eli hasn't called him and sends Samuel back to bed. The third time this happens Eli tells Samuel that if the voice calls again to say, "Speak , for your servant hears." Samuel does this and the Lord speaks to him.)
Coming when you are called: God's
Word teaches children to listen and be attentive.
Samuel hears
God's voice and comes. We want to teach our children to be attentive
to our voice and obedient to our call. When Eric was a toddler we
used to play a sort of reverse hide and seek. I would tell him,
"Eric you go run into the kitchen where you can't see me, and
then I will call your name and you get to come to mommy as fast as
you can. Okay, GO!" He would run away giggling. I'd wait a few
seconds and then start calling for him, "Eric, mommy wants you,
come to mommy" and I only called once. He always came and when
he got to me he got a huge hug, a smile and a verbal reward. "Oh
you did such a good job. You came so fast when I called your name,
Good job!!" As teenagers now, I rarely have to call my kids
more than once. Sometimes there might be silence after my call, or
the occasional "What?" from their bedrooms. But it usually
only takes a second or two before they realize that it is their
responsibility to come to me... not the other way around. Certainly
there are times when I am aware that they are in the middle of
school, or have a friend over, and it might be rude of me to call to
them and expect them to come running. We want to be thoughtful of
our children. In these situations, I usually trudge up the stairs
and deliver my message to them.
Being
attentive to a parent's wishes means a child needs to be mindful of
things outside himself. I have had my kids, across a crowded room,
look up and scan the room for me because they can "feel me
looking at them". They have been taught to wonder what mom
thinks, or is there something I should be doing? Where is mom? Mom
will give me cues. Mom has instructions for me...Sensitivity and
attentiveness are wonderful skills to instill in our children. If
only to give them an encouraging smile, having them search for you
and be aware of your presence is a wonderful gift to any mother.
So, if you
have actually gotten this far... I am impressed :) This is almost
word for word what I spoke to the mothers who came to class tonight.
I left them with this reminder:
We don't
"work" at being better parents. We receive God's Word,
which develops us. There is a big difference. We don't attach fruit
to tree limbs and declare the tree to be an apple tree. The tree
grows from a seed and produces fruit. God plants his Word in your
heart, and from that Word grow "our" good deeds. Be
careful not to think backwards. ;)
God's
Blessings.
