Love and Manners (part 1)
Tuesday, February 20, 2012
Introductions:
Many times
when we are searching God's Word and asking Him to reveal His truths,
we can absentmindedly put the cart before the horse. This is done
when we feel that we have a truth that we want scripture to support.
So instead of gleaning truth from scripture we have pulled out
various Scriptures to fit our truth. Even if our truth is parallel
to God's and not in opposition, we still must realize that our
methods are lazy, undisciplined and can eventually lead us to false
teachings. It also makes us more susceptible to false teachings from
other places. It is a common error which many, MANY Christians
commit.
I have found
that I am someone who often reads Scripture incorrectly. We should
confess our selfish desires, our sinful will, and ask for God's
forgiveness when we search His Word this way. I don't say this to be
harsh, but to put it plainly. Jesus rebuked Peter and called him
Satan when he tried to do this (Mark 8:32,33). Peter told Jesus that
there was no way he would allow Jesus to give up His life. (Matt
16:22).. Peter had taken God's Words out of context and used them for
His own purposes; to glorify himself. This is a big no-no. It is
sin and we should see it as sin. But as with all sin, there is
forgiveness. Peter didn't get banned from the voters assembly, he
didn't get kicked out of the club... and neither do we. We are
covered by God's grace and we receive His forgiveness as we repent,
continue to grow and continue to learn. Lord have mercy, Christ have
mercy, Lord have Mercy.
...On to
tonight's lesson. While this passage we are reading tonight is
common, familiar, and often quoted, let us put on our mommy hats as
we search for God's wisdom. We'll read these scriptures and keep in
mind our relationship to our children as well as our children's
relationships with others. Because we are striving to develop a
habit of reading the Proverbs daily as a way of storing up into our
minds God's treasured words, I have chosen particular Proverbs which
support these verses in the letter to the church in Corinth and added
them to each section.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient:
Love's
first and greatest characteristic is to be long suffering; "slow
to anger". Love doesn't have an expiration date, it has an
unlimited time for enduring. Think about Paul, who is writing this
letter. He is truly the recipient of God's patient love. How
patient God was with him, even while he was a slayer of Christians.
When we are long tempered rather than short tempered, we reflect and
imitate God's patience. Long suffering is not natural and it isn't
produced simply by exercising self control. You can't make
yourself be long suffering. Patience is a gift from God; a fruit of
the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22). (Concordia Commentary on 1Corinthians, Dr. Lockwood) Because the Holy Spirit lives in you as
a child of God, you have the ability to love, to be patient, to be
long suffering. Sometimes all we need is the reminder of this truth.
"He is making me patient. I WILL be patient. I AM patient."
You choose
how you will behave in any given situation. Truly, love suffers for
others; for their benefit. As mothers this manifests itself in how
we interact with our children. We absorb their anger, their
frustration... we suffer it for them. We take the verbal blow and we
don't swing back. Love doesn't react. This goes against every
"instinct" in our bodies, doesn't it? How quickly a hot
tempered thought or word can come to our minds. It is the
disciplined one who knows to wait on the Lord for His Words. If this
is a new concept to us, then the wait might be a few minutes...or
even a few hours. As the years progress and as we learn to wait on
the Lord for His proper response, it eventually comes more quickly.
Instead of a sinful gut-reaction to a hurtful word or disobedience,
we are ready with loving correction produced by an even vocal tone.
We remove the blinding, feverish emotion that is so effortless with
the purpose of loving and rearing our children in God's truth.
Prov.
14:17 A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil
devices is hated
Prov. 15:28 The heart of the righteous
ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil
things.
Prov. 16:6 By steadfast love and
faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one
turns away from evil.
Prov. 29:11 A fool gives full vent
to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Love is kind:
God's kindness to us is based on His generosity, not on our merit. God's kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Rom 2:4) God's kindness is strong and with intention to bear fruit in us. (Gal 5:22, Col 3:12)
God's kindness to us is based on His generosity, not on our merit. God's kindness is meant to lead us to repentance (Rom 2:4) God's kindness is strong and with intention to bear fruit in us. (Gal 5:22, Col 3:12)
We
participate in God's kindness when, like Christ, we extend grace,
charity, friendliness, and gentleness to our children without their
merit. We initiate kindness.
We literally bring ourselves down to their level, just as Christ did
for us. Bending at our knees so that they can look us in the eye.
Sitting them on our laps as we speak to them. We are to enter their
world for they aren't yet able to enter ours. Kindness should not be
seen simply as sticky sweetness, but should be the practice of
useful, beneficial, friendly acts.
I
don't particularly enjoy playing Pretty, Pretty Princess, but when my
daughter was 5, this was her favorite game. For those who aren't
familiar with this game, it involves moving a game piece endlessly
around a board with the goal of landing on certain spots and
acquiring various pieces of gaudy jewelry including, but not limited
to a tiara. If I thought I looked ridiculous at the end of this
game, seeing my husband dripping in plastic accessories was
priceless, and as far as Emily knew, we just couldn't get enough of
this game. This was kindness.
As
Emily grew up and began playing with her younger brother and other
younger children, we sought to develop kindness in her, reminding her
that she was to play whatever game the youngest could play. "The
youngest one gets to choose the game," became a motto in our
home.
I
believe that a home which is filled with kindness often has the most
success when correction is needed. When everyday speech is gentle
and the atmosphere is one of peace, the stark contrast of a word of
correction stands out without the need of harshness or anger. In a
home where the environment is unkind and animosity abides, it will
seem necessary to raise the volume of correction in order to be
heard, often resulting in yelling or screaming.
Prov.
11:17 A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts
himself.
Prov.
15:4 A gentle (healing) tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness
in it breaks the spirit.
Prov.
21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life,
righteousness, and honor
Love
does not envy (is not jealous):
While the first two characteristics of Love are positive we now see Paul showing us what love is not. Love is not jealous.
While the first two characteristics of Love are positive we now see Paul showing us what love is not. Love is not jealous.
Jealousy
robs us of our contentment. Being discontent is a result of having
the wrong focus. We take our eyes off of Christ and His great gift
of forgiveness and instead we look around us. Possibly at others...
what they have that we don't; what they can do that we can't.
"That's not fair," often enters our thinking, until we
completely ignore our treasure of forgiveness and grace through
faith... all which were gifts to us.
Matthew
records Jesus telling the story of the workers in the vineyard.
(Matt. 20:1-16) Whether the workers had been working all day or for
only a few hours, they all received the same pay from the master.
An amount, which was fair and had been agreed upon beforehand... but
when those who had been working longer saw that those who hadn't
worked as long, received the same amount, they became discontented.
Suddenly, they felt slighted, not because they were, but because they
thought it was unfair that others should receive such grace from the
master. But the truth is... it is the master's to give how he
chooses.(Matt 20:15) We have been given the grace of our Father,
freely. If he chooses to bless another more, less, or differently
than he has blessed us, we should rejoice in the blessings of our
neighbors, understanding that all are gifts from the Father.
Using
this example as our rationale for how we rear our children, we should
teach our children to recognize parental grace and not be discontent
with their position within the family. How many times have you heard
the phrase, "You love my sister more than me?" or "You
didn't make him do what you're making me do"... Sibling rivalry
often begins with jealousy and discontent. Instilling a grateful and
thankful heart into our children is the solution to jealousy. We
want to encourage our children to rejoice in the blessings of others.
Their siblings are a great place to start. Proverb 22:9 talks about
a bountiful eye... when we know there is enough to go around, we feel
free to give lavishly of our time, attention and gifts. It is the
jealous and envious eye which hoards and lives a stingy life.
Prov.
14:30 A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the
bones rot.
Prov.
22:9 Whoever has a bountiful eye will be blessed, for he shares his
bread with the poor.
Prov.
23:17 Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of
the Lord all the day.
Prov
27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before
jealousy?
Love
does not boast:
Love isn't a braggart or puffed up. As parents, we don't want our children to feel indebted to us. All that we do, we must remember that we do it for the Lord, whether it be laundry, making dinner or cleaning toilets. It's difficult, maybe, to think about bragging about such remedial tasks, but we find a way. When we make the task about us, our efforts, our sacrifices, we are bragging.
Love isn't a braggart or puffed up. As parents, we don't want our children to feel indebted to us. All that we do, we must remember that we do it for the Lord, whether it be laundry, making dinner or cleaning toilets. It's difficult, maybe, to think about bragging about such remedial tasks, but we find a way. When we make the task about us, our efforts, our sacrifices, we are bragging.
It's
been a while since I've seen it, but do you remember a commercial on
TV about Rice Krispie treats? The mom is in the kitchen reading a
romance novel. As she finishes her book, she spritzes water on her
face, puffs flour into her face and dons a tired and worn expression.
She brings the plate of Rice Krispie treats to her family in the
other room. Then all you hear are exclamations from her husband and
children about how she shouldn't have worked so hard... and as the
audience we understand that the treats took very little effort to
make. I find this commercial comical because it is often how we as
mom behave. It isn't, however how we want to remain. We want what
God wants for us. God's way teaches us to give without expecting in
return and to do it joyfully. We should be hiding the fact that it
took effort. We should strive to make it look easy. Let us be
content in our vocation and let our children and husband do the
bragging on us. :) When we aren't praised for our efforts--and we
know there are many times when they go unnoticed--take special
comfort in knowing that the Lord has seen you and is pleased.
Prov.
3:7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from
evil.
Prov.
25:6-7 Do not put yourself forward in the king's presence or stand in
the place of the great, for it is better to be told, "Come up
here," than to be put lower in the presence of a noble.
Prov
26:12 Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more
hope for a fool than for him.
Prov
27:2 Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and
not your own lips.
Love
is not proud:
So what is pride? Don't we see that as a positive thing? When we tell our children to "take pride in their appearance"... aren't we just telling them to have good healthy hygiene habits? What's wrong with that? Or what about when, as parents, we're busting our buttons in pride because our children were obedient, or achieved something difficult through hard work and dedication? Is that wrong?
So what is pride? Don't we see that as a positive thing? When we tell our children to "take pride in their appearance"... aren't we just telling them to have good healthy hygiene habits? What's wrong with that? Or what about when, as parents, we're busting our buttons in pride because our children were obedient, or achieved something difficult through hard work and dedication? Is that wrong?
Let's
look at what Paul is saying here... and to whom he is speaking. The
Christians at the church in Corinth were a people puffed up with
arrogance, which was causing division in the body of Christ. They
had put themselves ahead of Christ and Christ's purposes. Anytime
our accomplishments, or our vision of ourselves puts us ahead of
Christ, we are being proud. When our sense of importance and self
is so puffed up and distorted, we are ugly. Love is not ugly.
Love
puts us in our proper order. We should imitate the humility of
Christ, who made himself to live among us. He submitted himself to
the Father's authority, even to death on the cross. There is
nothing more lovely than the humility of Christ. To be humble... to
put ourselves in our proper place, is a lovely thing.
As
parents we should be aware of the proper order within our home.
Regardless of what is spoken out in the world, we know Scripture is
very clear about God's order of creation. We talked a little bit
about it last month. When we allow our children to get out of order,
we are allowing them to be prideful and ugly. It is Scriptural to
"know our place". This phrase is not one that many will
get warm fuzzy feelings about, I realize this. But it is one that
speaks to our pride and quickly reforms our thinking. As Jesus said
to Peter,"Get behind me," (Mark 8:33) so we can say to our
children, "Know your place." Your place is behind me, a
place of submission and a place of protection. It is the proper
order and it is lovely.
Prov.
11:2 When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is
wisdom.
Prov.
16:18 Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a
fall.
Prov.
18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in
expressing his opinion.
Prov.
18:12 Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility
comes before honor.
Love
is not rude:
Here is where the Manners section of our lesson comes in. We see here that having good manners is an act of love. Especially in our families we should be exercising good manners, considerations and respect. I often tell my own children that manners are first for family and then for friends. This is a reminder to them that if they aren't practicing love and manners with their siblings, they won't be allowed to spend time with friends. It is easy for us to take our families for granted and not practice good manners on them. It isn't that we want to create a stuffy, uncomfortable atmosphere where we use salad forks and water goblets... although, once in a while it might be a fun thing to do. No, the idea is that love is considerate. It CONSIDERS others' needs and behaves accordingly.
Here is where the Manners section of our lesson comes in. We see here that having good manners is an act of love. Especially in our families we should be exercising good manners, considerations and respect. I often tell my own children that manners are first for family and then for friends. This is a reminder to them that if they aren't practicing love and manners with their siblings, they won't be allowed to spend time with friends. It is easy for us to take our families for granted and not practice good manners on them. It isn't that we want to create a stuffy, uncomfortable atmosphere where we use salad forks and water goblets... although, once in a while it might be a fun thing to do. No, the idea is that love is considerate. It CONSIDERS others' needs and behaves accordingly.
Beyond loving our family we extend love to others when we
consider them and their particular situations; When we allow someone
with two items to cut ahead of our huge cart load of groceries; when
we remain quiet in the movie theater, knowing that others have paid
their money to watch the show with us; when we consider how our
behavior affects others we are showing love. Narrate these actions
to your children, not as a way of self promotion, but as a way of
promoting obedience to God's Word. "God says love isn't rude,
so we want to have good manners at the restaurant. Chewing with our
mouths closed is good manners. Show mom how you have good manners.
Good Job! You are a loving girl with your good manners!" Now,
my kids are sort of past this type of conversation. So, for older
kids it might sound something more like, "There are lot of
people at this store, I think it will be difficult for some of the
older people to move quickly, I'm going to make sure that I am paying
attention to who is close to me so I don't accidentally bump
someone." This is a way of suggesting manners without being
blatant. We want our older kids to do most of the thinking
themselves.
On
a side note... my pet peeve: Saying "please" and "thank
you" to your children when you are giving an instruction is
confusing manners with obedience. Now, I realize this might shock
and possibly offend some, but let's think about it for a second. The
words 'please' and 'thank you' are permission words, and when we are
giving our children directions, we certainly don't want them to think
they have the option to decline our request, do we? 'Please' and
'thank you' should be reserved for times that aren't associated with
training. "Oh, Johnny, you picked some beautiful flowers for
me. Thank you!!" or "Cindy, would you please pass the
bread? Thank you." The improper use of these phrases is one I
see in the grocery stores A LOT. "Tommy, get back in the cart
please." or "Thank you for doing what mommy said."
UGH! We don't thank our children for obedience. We praise them.
There is a huge difference. "Good Job!", "You are a
fast worker!" "You did just what I said to do! That's
awesome!" are far better responses than "Thank you."
And likewise using a sweet, gracious tone when giving instruction is
all the manners you need. Leave off the 'Please'.. please. Okay, got
that off my chest. ;)
Prov.
16: 24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and
health to the body.
Love
is not self-seeking:
This
goes right along with love is not rude. Self-seeking is another name
for selfish or greedy. We want to show love by being unselfish. One
of my favorite Psalms is often used to begin a prayer of thanksgiving
before meals: Psalm 145:15,16 "The eyes of all look to you ,
and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing." This picture of
an open hand is what demonstrates to me God's generosity. There is
no clenched fist, just a hand held open inviting us to take what He
has. This is our example.
Developing
a strong familial unity will help our children to understand
self-less-ness. When we teach that we are not individuals living
independent lives, but rather, we are just one part of a whole, the
choices we make reflect our thinking. We are not autonomous, and to
seek our own way at the expense or neglect of others is not love.
Eating dinner together, reading books aloud as a family, group games
and puzzles are wonderful ways of promoting unity within the family.
Just
before we left California for the Midwest years ago, I was out mowing
and edging our front lawn for what would be the last time. A
neighbor saw me outside and came over to talk. She said, "You
know, you don't own the house anymore. You aren't legally
responsible to keep up the yard. Let the new owners do that."
I thought about what my husband would say ... (As a rule, this is
usually the better thing than what I instinctively might say)... I
said, "The Pools leave a place in better shape than when we
arrived." This really has been our family motto when it comes
to moves and such. No we weren't obligated to mow the lawn, water
the flowers, or wash the windows, at least not by California law, but
we know what God's Word says about loving our neighbor. So we do
them, happily. Love isn't content with simply looking after number one. Love notices the needs of others and is happy to oblige.
Prov.
3:27-28 Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it
is in your power to do it Do not say to your neighbor, "Go, and
come again, tomorrow I will give it" -- when you have it with
you.
Next month we will continue with 1Corinthians 13 4-8 beginning with "Love is not easily angered"
If you would like to message me privately about anything in this months lesson feel free to contact me at either my facebook page (Sallie Pool) or by email: salliepool@yahoo.com.
Next month we will continue with 1Corinthians 13 4-8 beginning with "Love is not easily angered"
If you would like to message me privately about anything in this months lesson feel free to contact me at either my facebook page (Sallie Pool) or by email: salliepool@yahoo.com.
